Stella Awards – (Not funny really!)

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased drink.

You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while
she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.

You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for 2015!!!!

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict,
considering the running toddler was her own.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more…

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately or Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.

Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more…

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.

Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink, broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up on the scratching…

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000…oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE * ~ absolutely brilliant!

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.

Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and over turned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, ** ARE YOU SITTING DOWN ? **

***** $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. *****

Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

Muslim Tribute Band

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in West Sydney.

They were called “Bomb Jovi”.

I thought they were brilliant. Songs like “Losing My Head Over You”, “Rocket Launcher Man”, “You’re Six You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine”

Their last song, “Living on a Prayer Mat”, almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

Well, that was when the trouble started . . . these p****s had no sense of humour!

The Lesbian

You think you have lived to be 90 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

99999An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot?

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.

I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.

When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women.

It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “are you a real pilot?”

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

No Offense Intended

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says “Don’t laugh, your next!!”

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said “You must answer 3 questions on the Bible”.
“1st – Who was born in a stable?”
“Red Rum” he replied
“2nd – What do you think of Damascus ?”
“It kills 99% of all germs” he replied.
“3rd – What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?”
“That’s easy” he said “Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!”

Little boy gets home from school and says “Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play as a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His Dad replies “Never mind Son. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part!!”

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says “Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.”
Mick agrees “I’m ordering one right now”
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick “Has your woman turned up yet?”
“No” said Mick “but it shouldn’t be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks “I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?”
The doctor replies “Yes, but you will have to be a little patient”.

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i” rather than “I’ve just buggered an 18 year old escort”.
The police still haven’t seen the funny side, my lap top’s been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to live with her mother.