A Personal Utility

One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. 

“My farts never smell, and are always silent. 

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment. 

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Behind the Scenes

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna. 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. 

“That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” 

A few minutes later a phone rang. 

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” 

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

“It appears that you’ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,” pointed the amused American.

“Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!” Declared the Irishman.