Behind the Scenes

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna. 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. 

“That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” 

A few minutes later a phone rang. 

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” 

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

“It appears that you’ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,” pointed the amused American.

“Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!” Declared the Irishman. 

The Weather Forecast

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. 

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. 

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions…

Taking the Plunge

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” 

“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.  

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” 

“Good,” said the new husband, “but why?” 

“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Down on the Farm

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. 

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?” 

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!”.

The boy thought for a moment, then said,
“You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

That Time of Day

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. 

 “Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger. 

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. 

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. 

But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25!” another jogger yells at him. 

Understanding Facebook

To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, here’s what I’m doing to gain better understanding: 

I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, then give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works!

I already have four people following me:  Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.