Louder, Dear

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
“Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens when I talk to her.”
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” He calls.
No response. 
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting.
“HONEY, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
“HONEY, what’s for DINNER??”.
No response.
So he walks right up behind her and screams:
“HONEY, WHAT’S FOR DINNER??!?!
His wife turns to him a rage and screams.
CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!

Crossed Wires

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:

“Congratulations on your new location!”

A Barbie Bargain

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his little daughter’s birthday.  

He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: “what is the price of those Barbies in the display window?” 

The salesperson returns: “which one do you mean, Sir?

We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95.”

The amazed father asks: “how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?” The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

“Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and one of Ken’s best friends.”

Chose A Mineral

A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be? 

One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.” 

Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” 

The teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want? 

Johnny said, “I would want silicone.” 

“Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher 

“Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”