A Personal Utility

One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. 

“My farts never smell, and are always silent. 

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment. 

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Behind the Scenes

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna. 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. 

“That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” 

A few minutes later a phone rang. 

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” 

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

“It appears that you’ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,” pointed the amused American.

“Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!” Declared the Irishman. 

The Weather Forecast

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. 

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. 

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions…