Payment in Kind

On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.” “One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.” 

As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender. 

“But all that comes to real money.” 

“How much money?” inquires the guy. 

“Four cents,” he replies. 

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. 

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” 

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” 

The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?” 

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

A Divine Round of Golf

Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.

Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it.

Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.

When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said: 

“Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”

Don’t Tell Putin

A Moscow-based businessman pacing through Washington D.C. was desperate to take a leak. 

After searching up and down, he could not find any public bathrooms in which he could relieve himself. 

So, while no one was looking, he sought a side street where he could privately take care of his impending emergency. 

 
But just as he was unzipping, a Washington cop turned up.
“Look here, sir. What do you think you’re doing?” asked the officer.
“I do apologize, sir,” answered the wealthy Muscovite. “But I can’t hold it in any longer.”
“No. You can NOT do that here,” said the officer. “Come with me, sir.”
 
The Police officer led the gentleman into a beautiful garden of bright green freshly mowed lawn, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
“Here,” said the officer. “Whiz away!”
The Russian businessman shrugged his shoulders, turned around, unzipped, and began urinating on the flowers.
“Ahhh!” he cried with relief.
 
Then, turning back to the cop, he said:
“That was very nice of you, sir. Is this the famous American courtesy I’ve heard so much about?”
“Hahaha! No…” replied the police officer.
“…This is the Russian Embassy.”