Never Too Old To Learn

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. 

The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says: “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies: “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. 

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says: “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies: “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

Ultimate Sanction

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.”

The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:

“Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that:

1. The apartment had not been used before.

2. It had adequate heating.

3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it.

Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!”

Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter.

A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following:

“Dear Sir,

1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before.

2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on.

3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it.

You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!”

Magician’s Assistant

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight-of-hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s evening entertainment.

He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!”,

Or “IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!”,

Or “IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said:

OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?

The Lost Balloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist. “I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.” “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”