Pregnancy Complications

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were not harmed.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. 
 
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the mother. ‘I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,’ replied the daughter. 
 
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. 
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. ‘Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.’
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. 
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. ‘It’s okay’ said the Mom, ‘I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.’ 
 
‘No,’ said the son, ‘I was playing with myself and accidentally shot the dog.’

Stutter Treatment Options

“D D D D Doctor, you’ve g g g g got to Help m m m me, I’ll dddo anyth th th th thing.”

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem….

“Your genitals are massive, and it’s causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you’d like, shorten your penis and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today.”

“D D D D Do it!”

So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. It’s complete success, and the man leaves for home delighted to be cured. But that night his wife finds out what he did. She is very unhappy and urges him to reverse the surgery.

The next day, the man returns to the doctor’s surgery.

“Hello doctor, and thanks for seeing me again. I’m completely cured and most of all I’m very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery.”

The doctor replies: “N N N N N N No Refunds!”

The Time To Laugh

We all become a little concerned as we begin to approach the half-way point in our lives. The truth is that it’s a reality everyone must experience so we might as well look at it with a good sense of humor!

    Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.  

    The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full – of course the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it…  

    Mid-life women no longer have upper arms they have wingspans… They are no longer women in sleeveless shirts they are flying squirrels in drag.  

    Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

    Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… And that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.  

    Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream: “Listen honey even the Roman Empire fell and those things will too!”   

    Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.  

    You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions – What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

Giftless

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.  

“Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.” 

“Not to worry” said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.” 

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Mom look great Dad”. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”. 

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.” 

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.” 

After they finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” 

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?” 

“Yep,” said the father, “and tight ones too!”