Southern Quips (1)

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, …. “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” …. and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.

He looked at his watch, then said, …. “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: …. “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Keep Your Cool, Driver

A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.
 
 
 He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”

After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.

He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”

In an instant, the boy responds: “ If my mom was a drunk and my dad was a bum I’d be a bus driver.”

Robo-cures

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

 
machine cogs

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car. 

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He awaited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix.  The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms. 

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache? 

A Polish Man’s Talk With His lawyer

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always up before her.”

Lawyer: “WHY do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I got proof.

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:

polish remover joke