Alternative Views

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. 

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks: “What does two plus two equal?” 

The mathematician replies: “Four.” The interviewer asks: “Four, exactly?” 

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says: “Yes, four, exactly.” 

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question. 

“What does two plus two equal?” 

The accountant says: “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.” 

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question. 

“What does two plus two equal?” 

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, leans close to the interviewer and whispers: “What do you want it to equal?”

Flight Quiz

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, “All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don’t know, I’ll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars.”
“No,” she says. “I just want to sleep.”
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. “What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?” she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn’t got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars.
Then he asks her: “So what is the answer?”
She hands him 5 dollars.

A Talk With God

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. 

“God”, he said, “How long is a million years?” 

God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.” 

The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?” 

God answered, “To Me, it’s a dime.” 

The man then asked, “God, can I have a dime?” 

“In a minute.”

Patient Request

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful.

Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

Long ago there was a man who had a 25 inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.

Once with the witch he said, ”I need your help. My penis is so big it’s hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?” The witch said, “Go to the forest, in the middle of it you’ll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!”

So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.
The frog said, “No.”

Then his penis shrunk five inches.

He asked the frog again, “Will you marry me?” And again, the frog said, “No.”
And it shrunk another five inches.

Then he thought, “15 inches is still too big. I’ll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine.”

So he asked the frog one more time, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, “I told you: No, no, and NO!”