Seenager

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
 
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Check Your Weight!

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.

Out came a card that said: “You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas”. Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.

After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read “you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you.”

After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged.

Once was done being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime.

Feeling like Naomi Campbell closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmied over to the machine and put it in.

Again, a little card popped out that said: “You still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus”.

Between the Sexes

NICKNAMES

 
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 
EATING OUT

 
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back

 
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators…YEP!!!

 
MONEY

 
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

 
BATHROOMS

 
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

 
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 
ARGUMENTS

 
A woman has the last word in any argument.

 
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 
FUTURE

 
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 
MARRIAGE

 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

 
DRESSING UP

 
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

 
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 
NATURAL

 
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 
OFFSPRING

 
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 
A married man can forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!