Not To Be Caught Short

A jumbo jet is on its final approach coming in to Toronto Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom. 

“This is your Captain speaking. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto”. 

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, what you gonna do in Toronto?” 

“Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap … then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner….. then I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give it to her big-time all night.” 

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. 

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. 

The old lady leans over and says: “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gotta use the bathroom first.” 

Hiding One’s Feelings

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.

“I found out from the neighbours that you’ve been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office! Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been a good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we make love!”

Sadie questions: “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan!”

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Morris, should I moan now?”

“No, not yet.”

Morris begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?

“No, I’ll tell you when!”

He climbs on top of Sadie and they begin to make love.

“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”

Wait, I’ll tell you when.”

Moments later, in the heat of passion, Morris yells “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!

OY! OY!” Moans Sadie.  “You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I’ve had!

Short View of Time

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.

He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. 

“God”, he said, “How long is a million years?” 

God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.” 

The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?” 

God answered, “To Me, it’s a dime.” 

The man then asked, “God, can I have a dime?” 

“In a minute.”