Call It As It Is

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing.
 
He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment”.
I was truly impressed.
 
Upon further questioning, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
Such is Life!

Timing Is All

Three older gentlemen sat down at the park for a conversation.

“There’s no worse age than 70,” says the youngest, “You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you try and try and nothing comes out!”

“That’s nothing,” said the 80 year old, “80 is a much worse age. You can’t even do your business anymore. You take laxatives then sit on the toilet for hours waiting for something to come out!”

joke old men

“Actually,” said the oldest one, “90 is the worst age of all!”“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 70 year old.

“Not really. I pee every morning like clockwork at 6:00am.”

“Do you have trouble crapping?” asked the 80 year old.

“Not at all, I do my business every day promptly at 6:30am.”

The 70 year old looked at him funny. “Let me get this straight, you pee at 6am and you crap at 6:30am? So what’s the problem?”

I don’t get up until 7:00!!

Picky Birthday Girl

Three sons left home, said goodbye to their dear single mother, went out on their own and prospered. Then one day, revisiting together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother on her birthday. They all loved her dearly, and each wanted more than anything to give her something she’d truly love.

The first said, “I built a mansion for our mother. 26 rooms and a huge back yard filled with trees and flowers. A house that is fit for royalty, and will give her all the space she never had.”

joke mother's birthday gifts

The second said, “Well I bought her a luxury car, and not just for her to drive, no. It comes with a private driver that’ll take her anywhere she wants to go. She’ll never need to drive again, and he can help her carry heavy things back to the house.”

joke mother's birthday gifts
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
joke mother's birthday gifts
The three agreed that all gifts were well thought out, and were sure their mother would be amazed and delighted. 
Soon thereafter, their dear mother sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son,”the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to the second son, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the car my dear. And I must say the driver is quite rude!”Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you were the only one to have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. That chicken was delicious!

The Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician .

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the politician.

 joke heaven and hell“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.

 
joke heaven and hell 

“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted for us!

 

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The Complaining Monk

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed.

After the first 3 years, the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”  
Food cold!” the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”.
Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed.

monastery joke

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

– “Bed hard!“. The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

– “I quit!” said the man.

Well,” the abbot replied, “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!