The Best Cat

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the engineer called to his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The government worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A Testing Time

A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. 

So, he inserted his ‘manhood’ into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member’.

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!). 

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?” 

“Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep.

“The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons. Have a nice day!”

Settling Scores

On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.

“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”  

“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man. 

The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.”  

As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender. 

“But all that comes to real money.” 

“How much money?” inquires the guy. 

“Four cents,” he replies. 

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. 

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” 

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” 

The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?” 

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”