Distinguishing Features

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Dept. Of Fish and Game has advised hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren’t expecting them. Outdoorsmen are also advised to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It’s a good idea, too, to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.
Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray”.

Location, Location!

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: “Rest in Peace.” 

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. 

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: 

 “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:

‘Congratulations on your new location!'”

Helping the Poor

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?” 

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said. 

“Will you use it to gamble?” 

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.” 

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?” 

“Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” 

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” 

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.” 

The man replied: “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.”

The Best Invention

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. 

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” 

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. 

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?” 

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.” 

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?” 

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”  

God said, “Yes.” 

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too: 

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!” 

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” 

God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”