Three Old Biddies

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’

The old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.’

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 87 years Old!’

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..

‘We were at your birthday party yesterday.’

Complicated Relationships

To: The Social Security Commissioner

Dear Commissioner,

My name is David Jackson and I live on Second Street. I would like to present before you the following story:

‘Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father came to visit a number of times, and suddenly he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father’s wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter’s wife. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

All at once, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father’s wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife’s grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father’s brother-in-law, the step-son of my father’s wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father’s son-in-law, and my step-mother’s brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

David Jackson

The Wrong Side

One morning, a young nun woke up, got out of bed, and dressed for the day ahead. She then left her room and headed downstairs for breakfast. 

 
As she walked down a corridor, she passed two older nuns, one of whom said: “You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning.” 
 
The two older nuns then walked away giggling. The young nun was puzzled by this, but shrugged it off and carried on. 
 
She then passed another older nun who also said: “You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning.” before walking away giggling. 
As the young nun continued to make her way down to the dinner hall, she kept on passing her fellow sisters, all of whom made the same: ‘You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning’ comment and walked away laughing. 
By the time the young nun got to the dinner hall she was so livid she bumped into the Mother Superior in the doorway.
 
The Mother Superior was just about to open her mouth to say something before the younger nun cut in, saying: “Don’t tell me, ‘I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning’!” 
The Mother Superior shrugged and then said:
“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to ask, what are you doing with the bishop’s shoes on?”

Fight Back Early

A man who had spent his whole life at sea visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. 

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was.

Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party.

While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

A Personal Utility

One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. 

“My farts never smell, and are always silent. 

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment. 

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Behind the Scenes

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna. 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. 

“That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” 

A few minutes later a phone rang. 

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” 

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

“It appears that you’ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,” pointed the amused American.

“Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!” Declared the Irishman.