How to Sleep Soundly with George

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with George, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy roomed with George and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you? 

He said, ‘George snored so loudly, I just sat up and simply watched him all night. ‘ 

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you? You look awful!’ 

He said, ‘Man, that George shakes the roof with his snoring. I could only watch him all night.’

The third night was Pete’s turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ‘ Good morning,’ he said. 

They couldn’t believe it! They said, ‘Man, what happened?’ 

He said, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked George into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

George sat up and watched me all night. I slept fine.

And Here’s The Best Part

Here are some words of advice and comfort for all you ladies out there. Get ready to do what you do best: laugh your heart out!

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something – suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind – but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man – look in a mental hospital. 

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

White Coat Humour

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant replies: “Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won’t dare cough!”

There was the woman who approached the local pharmacist and asked for cyanide.

“What on earth would you want to do with cyanide?” he asked.

“I want to poison my husband” she said coolly.

Of course the pharmacist was quite upset about this and made it quite clear to her that he was not going to be part of such a plot, and that he had no intention of selling any poison to her for that purpose.

The woman then took a photograph out of her bag. It showed the pharmacist’s wife in bed with the woman’s husband.

“Oh! You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.

“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Don’t give up

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then then with her teeth out. Still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.