Setting Out The Instruments

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,

A rubber glove

And a beer.

 
hospital bed

 

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I’m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?”

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse:

Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light.

Counting to Ten

An old man and his wife had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a locked chest on top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
 

For all of these years, he had never thought about the chest, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
 

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the chest and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the chest. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money that came out to about $95,000.


joke wife dolls

He asked her about the contents.

She replied: ‘When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’
 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the chest. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. 
 

‘Honey,’ he said. ‘That explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
 

Oh!‘ she said. ‘That’s the money I made from selling the other dolls.

How Just To Hold It In

A nurse entered a patient’s room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

“In…in front of you?” He mumbles, shyly.

The nurse says: “Don’t worry, I’ve seen the naked human body before. You’ve got nothing I haven’t seen a thousand times.” The man said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked body.”

 
nurse joke

“Of course I won’t laugh!” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
 

“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

The nurse, a professional, managed to keep herself from laughing, but did smile a bit. Feeling bad, she asked him about his symptoms.

“Well,” he said, “there are two problems. One is that it won’t stop getting hard.”

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Immediately feeling bad that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could. 

“I am so sorry,” she said, “I  don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be  the problem?”

It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

She ran right out of the room.