About OyiaBrown

Please send me, as a comment to this page, any old material you have for inclusion in The Daily Joke Alert - to help enable us all to have our fancy tickled regularly! Never mind the state it's in as I tidy everything up prior to publication. Don't let good material go to waste - and so much does. In the interests of the environment we should always try to re-cycle everything, especially jokes. You know that makes sense! You may find some historical stuff here, but this does not really matter as humor is fairly timeless.

Precise Calculations

The army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through many retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone.
In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.
He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God man!” he said, “where are your testicles??”
“Vietnam,” smiled the general.

Barack Obama’s Wild Search for Any Legacy

Beyond the Cusp

President Barack Obama entered office with even a great number of Europeans having sky high hopes for his future. He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize largely due to his soaring rhetoric describing his desires and designs for a world blanketed in peace rather than strife, free of nuclear weapons rather than bristling with them, shared bounty benefitting all replacing areas torn by hunger and want, and his fresh message promising hope replacing despair. There appeared to be other areas of the world which also caught Obamaitis, a feeling of great hope due to dulcet tones of rhythmic rhymes and rhetoric promising the end of deprivation and the opening for all a grand cornucopia providing great giving filling the world with divine satisfactions and serenity, comforts and calm, lullabies and love. The world had to be at the leading edge of the Age of Aquarius.

This expectation of greatness and…

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Church Attacks: Love Alone Will Not Save Us

In the north-eastern Syrian city of Al-Qamishli, nestled on the border with Turkey, Islamic fundamentalists bombed St. Charnel Church, an ancient site of worship for the Assyrian Orthodox Christians.

On July 18, reported ARA News, gunmen detonated explosives inside the church. Activists point the finger of responsibility at ISIS. “We saw a huge fire and security forces arrived and extinguished the fire. But the church was completely destroyed, you can see only ashes here,” remarked one eyewitness to the attack.

The fate of the Middle East’s remaining Christians — often open to abuse and attack at any moment — appears little these days in mainstream media news stories, which presently focus on terrorist outrages in Europe instead. Reporting has likewise been dominated, since 2015, by coverage of the continuing Muslim migration from Africa and Asia into Europe.

Given the recent targeting of churches in several European nations, the omission is unfortunate.

Source: for MORE

Morning Briefing – The Telegraph

Good morning.

Theresa May is building on her vow outside Downing Street to be a “one nation” Prime Minister today, we report, by bringing together leaders of the United Kingdom’s devolved administrations to talk about Brexit. She will tell Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, Welsh counterpart Carwyn Jones and Northern Ireland’s leader Arlene Foster that the way the UK leaves the EU “will not boil down to a hard choice” and that “no final decisions have been taken” about what form it would take. The Prime Minister will also offer an olive branch to them in the form of a new forum chaired by David Davis and a hotline to the Brexit secretary. This comes after the leaders called for their legislatures to get their own votes on the negotiating position the Government intends to take.”I am determined that as we make a success of our exit from the European Union, we in turn further strengthen our own enduring union,” she said ahead of the talks.

Mrs May doesn’t just have to worry about the devolved assemblies this week in her drive for Brexit, as her Government is set tomorrow to decide on how best to expand Britain’s airport capacity after the referendum. Sir Howard Davies, the man chosen by the Government to review this issue, says in today’s Telegraph that the case for expanding Heathrow has “strengthened in recent months” post the vote for Brexit. “The need for a clear strategic direction is more important since the referendum result,” he writes. “The rhetoric about becoming a European Singapore with a “blue water” trading focus  seems empty if we cannot connect to the new markets we wish to serve.”

The decision will be made by the airports cabinet committee and announced in the House of Commons. But the Prime Minister has already moved to curb the potential backlash by giving free reign to her ministers to air their views on the announcement once it has been made. This will be a relief for the likes of Boris Johnson, who has previously voted to lie down in front of the bulldozers if Heathrow goes ahead, although the pressure will be higher on Zac Goldsmith, as he has repeatedly vowed to resign his seat in the Commons if Heathrow gets the green light.

Mrs May has time to wrestle with the big questions post-Brexit as Ukip has turned its fire inwards. Suzanne Evans launched her campaign bid yesterday, and has already reopened her feud with Nigel Farage (and his former aide – now aspiring successor – Raheem Kassam). Tim Stanley wonders whether Evans is the right candidate for the May era, writing in today’s paper that the best option looks to be former deputy leader Paul Nuttall. “Ukip must be agile and move to swallow Labour. Either this will lead to its emergence as an authentic voice of working-class dissent or, more benignly, it might compel Labour to reconnect with ordinary people,” he concludes.