The Rabbi’s Take

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
 
confession booths
 
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks “What did you do?”.
The woman says “I committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
 
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do?”
Man: “I committed adultery.”
Priest:”How many times?”
Man: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi: “What did you do?”
Woman: “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi: “How many times?”
Woman: “Once.”
Rabbi: “Go do it twice more. We have a special on this week: three for $5.” 

When The Bell Tolls

Nancy just received terrible news. Her beloved grandfather just passed away. She went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 92 year old grandmother and offer her some comfort.
 
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “It was a heart attack, he got it while we were  making love Saturday morning.”
Horrified, Nancy told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years of age having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

Hearing Issues

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. 
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. 
 
“Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.” 
So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” 
 
old couple
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” He calls.
No response. 
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response. 
 
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
 
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”.
No response. 
So he walks right up behind her and screams. “HONEY, WHAT’S FOR DINNER??!?!”
His wife turns to him a rage and screams.
“CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”

A Surgical Approach, already

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.  After a year, only three applied for the job:  a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. 
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead,” replied Cohen in contempt. “Dead is easy.  Now circumcision, that takes real skill.”

The Curious Chemist

A man walks into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically. He asks for 2 condoms, and, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out. The pharmacist is intrigued and curious about this odd behavior, but doesn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happens again, the same man walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. 

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what’s up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

Now the pharmacist is perplexed and eager to know  what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return. 
Wouldn’t you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. 
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” Asks the pharmacist, “where did he go?” 
“He went straight to your house.”