The Priest’s First Mass

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip..”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice… At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the desk:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10…

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body..” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

The Lie, the Temple, the Temple Mount and the Future After Jerusalem

Beyond the Cusp

The violence on the Temple Mount and much of Jerusalem is the result of the wrong-headed action of Israeli leadership and governance. The original Oslo Accords never intended for Jerusalem to ever come into the discussion as Israel had reclaimed her rightful claim to Jerusalem, Hevron and all that is within the closest areas to Jerusalem and had even extended the first stages for citizenship of the Arab population of Jerusalem. Little facts not revealed in the media include that the Arabs in Eastern Jerusalem can and do vote in city elections and were well on their way to fully becoming members of Israel until the recent warfare over Eastern Jerusalem began. Judging from the news articles the violence in Jerusalem is going to continue to increase until the world demands that Israel surrender all claims to beyond the Green Line, the 1967 pre Six Day War armistice lines which…

View original post 3,750 more words

Canada: The Spanish Inquisition Makes a Comeback

Canada blasphemy laws are a thing of the future.Note to those who have been complaining that Quebec is not Canada: First of all, last time we looked that is where it was, and second of all, these kind of prosecutions have been occurring in other provinces as well. The trials of Mark Steyn and Ezra Levant are also cited in the article. We love Canada but it seems to be having a problem that doesn’t want to go away. Respectfully, the Editors.

Think back twenty years and imagine that someone then had told you that developed Western democracies would spend the first decades of the twenty-first century introducing new blasphemy laws. “You mean ‘repealing’ surely?” your wise younger self would probably have said. And if you had been persuaded that, no, new blasphemy laws really were going to be brought into effect in the not-too-distant future, doubtless your follow-on question would have been, “So how did the Spanish inquisition manage to make such a comeback?”


Morning Briefing – The Telegraph

Good morning.

Jeremy Corbyn made his conference debut yesterday, delivering a speech to mark out his “new politics” with passages that had been written in the 1980s and rejected by every Labour leader since Neil Kinnock. He stirred the party faithful with attacks on the media -beginning one sentence by declaring “Sorry commentariat!” – and the Tories, while failing to mention topics like the deficit or Labour’s election defeat in May. There were moments of oddness, like his vow to give young people “the space for their fizz to explode into the joy we want”, and when he accidentally read out a stage direction from the autocue – intoning: “Strong message here!”

So what did the “commentariat” make of Corbyn’s debut? He hasn’t exactly made friends, with the Sun labelling it a “Marxist rant”. The Economist dubbed it “unproductive self-gratification: dialectical onanism”, while Dan Hodges thought Corbyn was pretending “voters didn’t exist”. “Of all the speeches [he] could have made, this was the most predictable and the most useless,” said Ian Dunt. Simon Danczuk called it a “mantra of misery”, and Twitter mocked him for being dressed like Mr Bean.

Corbyn may have had a shaky conference debut, but his aim was to survive and get Labour used to the idea of him as leader. The test will now be how Labour shapes its thinking under his leadership, amid its various “reviews” and push for more power for members. “Subcontracting decisions to party members will never be any substitute for leadership itself,” William Hague warns in today’s paper.

Labour will debate today what stance it should take on bombing Isil in Syria, although John McDonnell has tried to defuse tensions by suggesting MPs will get a free vote. You can follow today’s events on our liveblog. Corbyn has kept the peace for now by deciding Labour will agree to disagree on difficult issues like Trident, but – as I’ve written – he can’t placate everyone in his party forever.

“Strong message here!”

Bombs Away? Not Today
Labour MPs are set to be tied into voting against military action in Syria by a vote at the Labour party conference later on Wednesday. This comes as David Cameron admitted world leaders remain “miles apart” over how to solve the Syrian crisis, as he called the problem the most “difficult” he has faced in office.

Holding Out For A Euro
David Cameron faces a row over the European Union budget at a highly delicate phase of his renegotiation drive after MEPs voted to hike Britain’s bill next year by nearly £400 million. He has also admitted that the refugee crisis engulfing Europe “complicates” the task of convincing Britons to stay in the EU.

The 56 Becomes 55
The SNP is facing major embarrassment after its business spokesman – Michelle Thomson – was suspended as police launched an investigation into property deals she was involved in five years ago.

Waiting On A Friend
Jeremy Corbyn was heckled after his speech at the Labour Friends of Israel reception for refusing to refer to “Israel” by name throughout his 10 minute speech. A man at the back of the room shouted “say the word Israel”, prompting security guards to bundle him out of the packed room.

Slaves Of The Past
David Cameron faced calls to “personally atone” for his family’s historic ties to slavery as his first day visiting Jamaica was overshadowed by a row about reparations. “Yes, slavery is a horrible stain on Britain’s past but no apologies or reparations are going to undo that past,” Julia Hartley-Brewer writes.

Kerry Drops Her Beef With Meat
Kerry McCarthy, the vegan shadow minister for the environment who suggested people should be discouraged from eating meat, has declared her support for British farmers. “I do eat food and much of it is produced by British farmers,” she told activists.

School Daze
Jeremy Corbyn is prepared to strip private schools of their charitable status in a significant escalation of his party’s war on the middle classes, Shadow Education Secretary Lucy Powell has indicated.

Ben Carson Exposes Islamic ‘Taqiyya,’ But There’s Even More You Should Know

“I do not believe Sharia is consistent with the Constitution of this country,” Carson said, referencing the Islamic law derived from the Koran and traditions of Islam. “Muslims feel that their religion is very much a part of your public life and what you do as a public official, and that’s inconsistent with our principles and our Constitution.”

Carson said that the only exception he’d make would be if the Muslim running for office “publicly rejected all the tenants of Sharia and lived a life consistent with that.”

“Then I wouldn’t have any problem,” he said.

However, on several occasions Carson mentioned “Taqiyya,” a practice in the Shia Islam denomination in which a Muslim can mislead nonbelievers about the nature of their faith to avoid religious persecution.

“Taqiyya is a component of Shia that allows, and even encourages you to lie to achieve your goals,” Carson said.


US: Georgia executes Kelly Gissendaner despite last-ditch appeals

A woman in the US state of Georgia has been executed despite a number of last-ditch appeals, including one by the Pope, to try to block her execution.

Kelly Gissendaner, 47, was the first woman put to death in the southern US state in 70 years.

Lawyers filed at least three appeals with the US Supreme Court to try to delay the sentence hours before she died.

Gissendaner planned but did not carry out her husband’s murder in 1997.

Her former lover, Gregory Owen, who killed Douglas Gissendaner, was given life in prison as part of a plea bargain.


The New Entrants


PANASONIC CONDOMS: Quest for zero defect.
NIKE CONDOMS: Just do it.
TOYOTA CONDOMS: Oh, What a feeling.
EVEREADY CONDOMS: Keep on going and going and going.
PRINGLES CONDOMS: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
NISSAN CONDOMS: Life’s a journey, enjoy the ride.
STANDARD BANK CONDOMS: With us you can go so much further.
YOKOHAMA CONDOMS: Serious rubber.
FIRST NATIONAL BANK CONDOMS: We’ll never be too big.
CGS CONDOMS: Because only balls should bounce
DOMESTOS CONDOMS: Kills all known sperms dead!
PANADO CONDOMS: The GP’s choice.
SEIKO KINETIC CONDOMS: Someday all condoms will be made this way.
CREMORA CONDOMS: If it’s not on top then it’s inside.
KELLOGS CONDOMS: Guess who got it all last night.
CONTINENTAL CONDOMS: German engineering where you need it most.
CASTLE LAGER CONDOMS: The condoms that stood the test of time.
OLD MUTUAL CONDOMS: It all begins with a plan.
CAL-C-VITA CONDOMS: The Protector.
MTN CONDOMS: The better connection.
SANTAM CONDOMS: Covering South Africa.
NBS CONDOMS: Yes, Yes, Yes.
SASOL CONDOMS: Reaching new frontiers
DURACELL CONDOMS: It can last you up to 6 times longer
ESKOM CONDOMS: We light up your life?
BANKING CONDOM: Non-refundable deposit
GUITAR STRING MAKER: Ernie Balls condoms. Very highly strung.