A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.”
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, “Well, the mystery is solved! Let’s thank him for sharing!”
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman’s endowment.
A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, “I don’t know where y’been laddie… but it’s nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!”
One day a blond was driving down the street. As she was going along she spotted another blond sitting in a row boat out in the middle of a field.
She was so angry she slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car and screamed at the top of her lungs, “You stupid idiot! It’s dumb blonds like you that give smart blonds like me a bad name. I have half a mind to swim out there and kick your butt!”
There is something very wrong with the NHS. Not even its most loyal supporters would be likely to deny that now. Last week, the midwives, of all people, went on strike – although being the devoted and humane people that they are, you might scarcely have been aware of that since they saw to it that no woman in labour would go without assistance. Then there was a truly horrendous report from the Care Quality Commission, which stated baldly that only one hospital in five had passed its safety checks.
Who are potentially the most expensive man and woman in Britain, due over the next 36 years to cost this country £1.3 trillion, equivalent to our entire, ever-swelling National Debt?
The man is Ed Miliband, who in 2008 pushed through the final version of the Climate Change Act. It made us the only country in the world legally committed between now and 2050 to cutting our emissions of CO2 by a staggering 80 per cent. Even then, the Government projected that this would cost us up to £734 billion. The latest figures from the EU and the International Energy Agency suggest that, for Britain to reach this target, it would now cost even more: £1,300 billion.
Hunkered in scrubland at the western edge Kobane, their clothes stained with sweat, and the blood splatters of wounded comrades, the rebel commander and his men believed they had made their last stand.
But then the US Air Force struck: a bombardment that turned the tanks of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isil) into smoking wrecks and transformed the inexorable advance on this Syrian town into a rout.
Firas Kharaba, 39, the leader of Liwa al-Kassas, or “Retribution brigade”, who was returning wounded fighters for treatment in Turkey, provided a first-hand, account of the epic battle for the town has become an acid test of the ability of US-led air strikes to defeat Isil in Iraq and Syria.
Mortgages will rise, businesses will be crushed and the international markets will take fright if Ed Miliband wins power in the general election in 200 days’ time, David Cameron has warned.
Writing for The Telegraph, the Prime Minister declares that Britain’s prosperity is at stake in the most important election “for a generation” because a government led by Mr Miliband would lead the country to ruin.
As the countdown to polling day begins, Mr Cameron urges voters to give the Tories a majority because a vote for the UK Independence Party could put Labour in power and see “a great nation slipping back into decline”.