I have a new neighbour. She’s single and lives right across the street from me
I can even see her house from my living room.
This evening I watched as she got home from work and was surprised
when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door…and I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said, “I just got home, and feel so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex
all night long! How are you fixed tonight?”
I immediately replied, “I’m completely free… no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good! In that case, would you watch my dog?”
It’s no fun being old!!!
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.
“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replies.
Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.,” says his father.
“Okay,” stuttered the boy. “Dear Lord,… Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again.
Forgive our neighbour’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work. AMEN”
Dinner was cancelled.
Conservative plans to reshape our human rights laws will undoubtedly prompt criticism that we are simply offering succour to those who lead totalitarian states or who ignore the basic rights that everyone should enjoy.
In fact the opposite is true. The argument is not about human rights, to which we all subscribe. When I was leader of the opposition, we defeated the plan to allow detention without charge for 90 days. The protection of that basic right was achieved in and by Parliament – the body to which we have looked, down the ages, for such protection.
No, the argument today is whether the European Court of Human Rights and the Human Rights Act help to protect such rights or, by the way in which they have operated, bring the concept into disrepute.
It is quite wrong for David Cameron’s critics to claim that his new tax pledges are lavish and unaffordable. The Prime Minister has always been cautious about tax, and remains so now. His promise to lift the higher-rate tax threshold by the end of the decade is just a matter of keeping up with inflation – but at conference this week he cleverly made it sound like a giveaway. This is not to say there was no jaw-dropping radicalism unveiled at the Tory conference – there was, but of a very different type.