For My Irish Friends

1• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn’t kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?”

“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.

• Question – Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer – So the English can understand them.

• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”

“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

• Irish lass customer: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?”

Shopkeeper: “I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?”

“No,” said himself, “but I’m getting closer all the time.”

• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife

Answer. A bachelor.

• Finnegin: ” My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. “

Keenan: ” What on earth is she doin’ up at that time? “

Finnegin: ” Waitin’ for me to come home .. “

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. “Quick!” he said. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!”

“Tell me, is this her first baby?” the intern asked.

“No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”

• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

The Shirk Report – Volume 242

TwistedSifter

the-friday-shirk-report

Welcome to the Shirk Report where you will find the 25 funniest images, 10 most interesting articles, and 5 most viral videos from the previous week of sifting. Most images found on Reddit; articles typically originate from Twitter, RSS and email; videos come from a variety of sources. Any suggestions? Send a note to submit@twistedsifter.com!

*for email subscribers: If you visit the direct link to the shirk report in your web browser (by clicking the blue, underlined title), the videos will play properly and images will appear immediately under the text rather than opening in a new window!

 

25 IMAGES

Let’s get things rolling
This guy is good at balancing random objects | this guy is still better
– Three background actors that have no idea what they are doing OneTwoThree
One take
Turtle Power
A red panda eating sushi

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Toddler injured by stone-throwers in Jerusalem not news for the BBC

BBC Watch

At around 5 p.m. on Thursday November 28th Shirin Ben Zion was driving with her three children along Asher Weiner street in the south Jerusalem area of Armon HaNetziv when her car was attacked by stone-throwers. Her daughter Avigail – aged two – was hit by a rock weighing some 1.5 kgs and had to be evacuated to hospital due to a fractured skull. 

“Paramedic Raphael Herbest said that “when we arrived at the scene we saw the infant was bleeding at the head. She was lethargic… we were told she was hit with a large stone that hit her head while she was in a car.

“We immediately started treating her and evacuated her. During treatment, she started to regain consciousness.” “

Armon HaNetziv attack 1

Armon HaNetziv attack 2

It was later announced that four youths had been arrested in connection with the incident. The police spokesman noted that additional vehicles had been attacked in…

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The Mucky Glory of a Free Press

Events continue to demonstrate the reason why a free press matters so much. Without it, plenty of people, often in positions of considerable power, can get away with absolutely anything. A free press is messy — and when wrong, culpable — but it is also one of the only tools we have in the West to stop our decline into a form of permanent, systemic corruption. Two very different recent cases should remind us of this fact.

This month\’s example comes in the guise of that most essential staple of British tabloid life: the naughty vicar. Or in this case, the extremely naughty Methodist Minister. The Reverend Paul Flowers has just been revealed, thanks to a disgruntled friend and the Mail on Sunday newspaper, to be a buyer and user of a variety of Class A drugs. Since that first revelation, he has also been exposed as having indulged in plenty of other distinctly non-Methodist activities. Needless to say, the British press — which bows to no one in its ability to turn a pun — has dubbed him \’The Crystal Methodist.\’

More….