* * * * *
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake!”
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That’s a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
Even before the resumption of the negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians the violence level had been ramping upward in Judea and Samaria. The most obvious evidence were the increasing frequency of vehicles being hit with large enough rocks to smash through their windshields causing bodily harm to drivers and passengers alike and too often also leading to horrific crashes and life threatening injuries. Once the peace talks resumed the spike in violence was palpable, especially the rioting on the Temple Mount which was being committed with the purpose of denying Jews access to their holiest of places on Earth. The reasoning went that since the police would always take the easiest route to restoring quiet which meant they would close the Temple Mount to Jewish visitation in order to placate the Muslim rioters rather than attempt to break up the rioters and possibly suffer physical harm from rocks thrown…
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I have been trying to remember when there was so much anger between the Democrats and Republicans. Or maybe I should say between liberals and conservatives? Or maybe I should say between the Tea Party and the Republican Party? Or maybe I should say those who find the President of the United States a contemptible liar who has diminished a once great superpower to an object of disrespect?
There is plenty of anger to go around. The mood of the nation is one of anger from one end of the political spectrum to the other.
What is one to make of a White House senior advisor, Dan Pfeiffer, who compared Republicans to arsonists, hostage-takers, and suicide bombers? The Majority Leader in the Senate, Harry Reid, told Republicans that “There’s no need for conversations” telling them to send over a continuing resolution without defunding Obamacare. He has…
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[By Michael Stone Examiner] Lawmakers in Iran have passed a bill allowing a man to marry his adopted daughter while she is as young as 13. Human rights activists and others are outraged, claiming the law “legalizes pedophilia.”
The Guardian reports Parliamentarians in Iran passed a bill last Sunday claiming to protect the rights of children. However, the bill includes a clause that allows a man to marry his adopted daughter as long as she is 13 years of age or older.
Shadi Sadr, a human rights lawyer with the London-based group Justice for Iran, told the Guardian “This bill is legalising paedophilia.” Sadr warns “It’s not part of the Iranian culture to marry your adopted child. Obviously incest exists in Iran more or less as it happens in other countries across the world, but this bill is legalising paedophilia and is endangering our children and normalising this crime in…
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Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
On Friday September 27th 2013 violent demonstrations (unreported by the BBC, as was a rocket attack that same night) took place in several locations in Jerusalem, the Gaza Strip and Judea & Samaria as Palestinians marked the 13th anniversary of the beginning of the second intifada. Several Israelis were injured.
A BBC audience member searching for information regarding the second Intifada on the corporation’s website would – among other items – come across an article titled “2000: Second intifada” which forms part of the BBC’s “Israel Timeline”.
That article is dated May 6th 2008, meaning that for almost five and a half years users of the BBC’s website have been mistakenly informed that:
“By 2000, a second intifada was being openly fought and Israel re-occupied the West Bank.”
The second Intifada commenced on September 27th 2000 with a roadside bomb attack on a…
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It gets funnier, sillier and lots of other comparatives ending in er. Like, er, dafter, barmier, nastier and cynicaller. Shame about cynical, there’s no way you can inflate it…although David Cameron is trying hard.
I will say this about the Conservative Party: they don’t do spin. They attempt spin, but as on the whole they’re a mixture of stupid, sloppy and arrogant, it comes out like, well, not to put too fine a point on it, corrupt showboating.
So it was that Osborne’s Help to Buy turned into Housing the Bubble, Cameron’s EU Under Budget became Miles over Budget, and the Treasury’s No more bailouts produced Lots more bailins. Now the Prime Minister has announced “my package to help struggling families”. His overt personal ownership of The Plan almost suggests that the struggling is a result of some…
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