Olympic Selection

My job is to wipe the sand off the female beach volleyball players after every game.
It’s £30 an hour, but that’s all I can afford to pay.
Spelling is important, look! The difference between won and one:
Great Britain have just won gold.
Australia have just one gold.
I see the Aussies aren’t doing very well in the Olympics,
But then: if they could run, they wouldn’t have been Australians in the first place.
After seeing how poor the Chinese are in the running events at London 2012,
I’m gonna try my luck and not pay for my take-away tonight.
I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.
After an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this and you won’t look gay”
The Russian has taken first place, closely followed by the Lithuanian and the two Polish, the Greek and the Pakistani are battling it out for the fifth position, while once again the British have to settle for last place.
No, it’s not an Olympic event…

Humorous Dispassionate

A man is walking around New York with his wife.
They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him, Like to come home with me, buddy?

For how much? asks the man.

One hundred dollars, the hooker answers.

I’ll give you five bucks, he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away.

A little later, the man’s wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.

As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker.
She takes one look at the man and his wife and says,

Ha ! see what you get for five bucks?

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Virgin Daughters

3 virgin sisters ere all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impression of marital sex.

 The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

 The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “.

 Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

The Laughing Housewife

Albert Einstein

This was doing the rounds in an email.  I have no idea if it is true or a joke.  I’d like to think it’s for real.

When Albert Einstein was on the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room.  The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.


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Julia's Place

This amazing photo which comes courtesy of Ben Matthew Wong, better known as Twisted Sifter amazing blog just had to be shared as we come to the end of the London Olympics.

My question would be where would the judges and the audience sit? What caption would you give it?

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