Small Print

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an asshole!”

Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”

Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”

“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”

“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”

“Aggressive and hostile?”

“Yes, Sir?

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for AssHole?”

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!”

BBC Sport – Manchester City 3-2 QPR

Manchester City scored twice in stoppage time to be crowned champions for the first time in 44 years by beating Queens Park Rangers to win the Premier League on goal difference amid almost unbearable drama.

City’s hopes of claiming the title looked to slipping away as QPR – already safe after Stoke City beat Bolton – held on desperately to an unlikely lead and Manchester United led at Sunderland.

City, needing three points to clinch the prize, led through Pablo Zabaleta at half-time but Djibril Cisse levelled for QPR just after the break.

QPR lost Joey Barton after he was shown a red card following a clash with Carlos Tevez but then stunned the Etihad Stadium into silence as Jamie Mackie headed them in front.

Read more….

Philip Hammond: delay gay marriage law to ‘focus on what matters’

Philip Hammond, the Defence Secretary, refused to back new legislation to allow gay marriage as ministerial differences over the issue became public.

The Government is currently consulting on the plans and people have until next month to officially comment on the introduction of gay marriage. David Cameron has publicly offered it strong backing.

However, Mr Hammond said: “Clearly it’s not the number one priority. If you stop people in the street and ask them what their concerns are, they’ll talk to you about jobs and economic growth, they’ll talk to you about the level of the wages they’re earning, wanting to see real growth in wages again.”

He added: “There is no legislation in the Queen’s Speech [on gay marriage]; there’s a consultation going on, and we should look at, listen to what people are saying in response to that consultation.

“But I think the government has got to show over the next couple of years that it is focused on the things that matter to the people in this country – not just the short-term things but the long-term things as well; the reform of our education system, changing the welfare system – which is like turning around a super-tanker – changing the welfare system so that work always pays,%

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Harwin Central Mall, Houston, Texas

The very first store that you come to when you walk from the lobby of the building into the shopping area had this sign posted on their door. The shop is run by Muslims.

In case you are not able to read the sign below, it says: “We will be closed on Friday, September 11, 2009 to commemorate the martyrdom of Imam Ali”

 Imam Ali flew one of the planes into the twin towers.

Nice huh?
Try telling me we’re not in a Religious war!

Paternity leave: We all benefit if new dads stay at home

The worst thing about politics is how easily it can land you on the wrong side of an argument. If, for instance, you consider yourself an old-fashioned Tory, you may have found yourself spluttering into your cornflakes at the Government’s plan, announced as part of the Queen’s Speech, to give fathers more paternity leave. Men, staying at home to look after the baby? In a recession? With businesses already up to their armpits in politically correct, gender-neutral, EU-approved red tape? George Orwell couldn’t have made it up.

But here’s the thing. Paternity leave is good for us. All of us. If you, as a conservative, sometimes pine after a gentler age of family values and community spirit – the answer is paternity leave. If, as a business owner, you are fed up with female employees reproducing at your inconvenience – the answer is paternity leave. To understand what’s wrong with the present system, take a look at me. I am currently on maternity leave for the third time in four years. My employers have been very gracious about this intemperate burst of procreation, but I am well aware of how inconvenient it is. Either they have to find someone temporary to do my job each time – which means training them up and then sacking them just as they get the hang of it – or my colleagues have to work extra hard to cover for me.

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Edward Lear was the master of glorious nonsense

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, / Who danced a quadrille with a Raven; /But they said, “It’s absurd / To encourage this bird!” / So they smashed that old man of Whitehaven.

Edward Lear’s famous limericks often depend on the illustrations (such as the Man of Whitehaven, right) for their full effect. They also eschew the obscenity for which the form is so eminently suited. This is not because Lear – whose bicentenary fell yesterday – was a Victorian prude, rather it is because the limericks and drawings in his first Book of Nonsense (1845) were made for the grandchildren of his patron, the Earl of Derby.

There is often an undercurrent of violence, however. Consider the strength of that word “smashed”. Why, one wonders, were the mysterious “they” so angry? Because the raven is a bird of ill omen? There’s another oddity. A quadrille is a dance for four people. So who were the other dancers? Did they object to the “smashing” of the old man, or join in?

Or take this one:

There was a Young Lady of Russia, / Who screamed so that no one could hush her; / Her screams were extreme. / No one heard such a scream, / As was screamed by that Lady of Russia.

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Politics in this age of austerity will be a contest of character

When posterity gets its teeth into the history of this Parliament, its fulcrum will be found in the Autumn Statement delivered by George Osborne on November 29 2011. On that day, the Chancellor not only conceded that the Coalition would fail to wipe out the deficit by the next election; he also announced provisional public spending cuts for the first two years of the next Parliament.

The psychological and psephological implications of this moment are hard to exaggerate. Put crudely, the Tories’ original plan, hatched over many kitchen suppers in Osborne’s basement, had been to front-load the austerity measures in the first years of the Parliament, and then, as economic stability yielded steady recovery, deliver at least one Budget bonanza, and maybe two, that rewarded the voters for their trust and their sacrifice.

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