The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’

Maria: ‘Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.’

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’

Maria: ‘Jor husband say so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’

Maria: ‘Jor husband did.’

Wife: ‘Oh..’

Maria: ‘The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.’

Wife: (really furious now)’Did my husband say that as well?’

Maria: ‘No Señora…the gardener did.’

Wife: ‘So how much do you want?’

We public schoolboys need a good beating

On the assumption that my wife, a woman of impeccable taste, will stick to her habit of never reading a word I write, it must be confided that this week I fell in love. Perhaps this puts it too strongly. It may be nothing more than a transient man-crush. Anyway, call it what you will, I am besotted with Michael Gove.

Govey caused the heart to flip with what must constitute the most radical speech an education secretary has given since the late Sixties, when Tony Crosland returned from a dinner with educationalists to inform his wife Susan: “If it’s the last thing I ever do, I’m going to destroy every f—ing grammar school in England.”

Govey’s address needs no dashes. Then again, you can hardly eff and blind when addressing a leading independent school such as Brighton College. Not unless you happen to be a war hero like Douglas Bader, who reputedly treated the girls of Roedean or Cheltenham Ladies’ College (the uncertainty hints at urban myth, but we’ll let that pass) to a story of airborne derring-do in which one Fokker appeared on his tail, another Fokker attacked him from above… and so on, until the headmistress tried to staunch the pubescent giggling with: “Gels, I should perhaps explain that the, ahem, Fokker was a Second World War German fighter plane.” “Madam, that may very well be,” so legend has Bader responding. “These buggers were in Messerschmitts.”

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Sinister drugs, the Hollywood closet and Nolly Gordon’s indestructible perm

The creepiest image published this week shows Chinese teenagers hooked up to IV drips in a classroom, feeding amino acids into their bloodstreams so they can concentrate harder on their National College Entrance Exam. The school, in Xiaogong, central China, is unapologetic. Parents ask for the drips, it says, because otherwise their children become exhausted swotting for examinations that will determine the course of their lives.

It’s easy to jump to conclusions. Those ruthless Asians! So this is where the “tiger mom” thing leads – to a jab of the needle to make sure the homework gets done and your son or daughter ends up working for a bank rather than assembling iPhones and thinking about topping themselves.

But hang on. In America between 2003 and 2007, the number of parent-reported cases of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) increased by nearly a quarter. That’s a million extra children taking medicines far, far stronger than amino acids.

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