allaboutlemon-All Around, In, And Out Of My Own Universe


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, Sir, What’s that on your shoulder?
The old farmer said, That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.’

‘I’m sorry, Sir, said the Ticket Agent. We can’t allow animals in the theater.’

So the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his coveralls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

‘Marge,’ whispered Mildred

‘What? Said Marge’

‘I think the guy next to me is a pervert.’

‘What makes you think so? Asked Marge.

‘He undid his pants and he has his thing out.’…

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François Hollande’s win tilts Europe to the Left and leaves David Cameron isolated

George Osborne tried his best on Marr earlier to be positive about the prospect of François Hollande in the Elysee, echoing the assurances from socialist central that the new French president is not about to rip up the European consensus on tackling debt and deficits. He underlined the Hollande pledge to legislate for a balanced budget by 2017 (though Mr Hollande, it should be pointed out has ruled out changing the constitution). The Chancellor’s argument was that Mr Hollande is stressing growth, but is not giving up on the need for discipline. It was his way of heading off attempts by Labour to capitalise on Mr Hollande’s win. But you just have to look at Twitter to see how the Left is not only cheering Mr Hollande but seeing his win – and his policies – as a victory and an endorsement for Eds Miliband and Balls. For David Cameron, the loss of his friend and a centre-Right ally is bad news for his diplomacy in the EU, but also because it gives the Left in Britain a script to follow about an unpopular government detached from the people by wealth and austerity.

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David Cameron: I get the message – but reform takes time

My reaction to last week’s local election results is straightforward: I get the message, loud and clear. I know that the familiar excuses – low turnout, mid-term blues – aren’t enough. Even the difficulties of our economic situation and the tough but necessary decisions the Government has had to take cannot fully explain the results. The message people are sending is this: focus on what matters, deliver what you promise – and prove yourself in the process. I get it.

So let me spell this out. I am sceptical of those who claim to draw the answer to every problem from a loud ideology, but I am fierce in my commitment to a fair society in which effort is rewarded, work pays, and the state is there to help people but not shape every part of their lives. I am on the side of people who work hard, want to get on and play by the rules. I loathe with a passion the bankrupt, high-taxing, something for nothing society left behind by Labour, and I am in politics to change it.

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What football teaches us about creating a thriving jobs market

I once went on a mission to charm Sepp Blatter, the Swiss lawyer who controls global football. I was ushered into his lair and found the ancient autocrat on a sofa, surrounded by statuesque blondes of possibly Ukrainian extraction. Stumped for something to say, I went for the old chestnut.

“Mr President,” I said, in tones of calculated self-deprecation, “how come England hasn’t won the Fifa World Cup since I was two? France, Germany, Italy, Spain — all our European rivals, but not England. What’s wrong with us?” Blatter figuratively stroked the white cat on his lap, and replied that it was very simple. The trouble with England was the Premiership, he said. You import all these players from around the world. It means that the local talent never gets the same attention, or the same investment. That’s the problem with English football, he said, and then I found that my time was up and that the blonde Ukrainian six-footers were heading me to the door.

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Argentina’s foreign minister refuses to apologise for Falkland Islands Olympics video

Responding to calls from the Defence Secretary for an apology over the controversial spot, Héctor Timerman said: “Mr Hammond should know that the world is safer when we use our creativity, rather than bomb civilians in sovereign countries.”

The advert shows Fernando Zylberberg, an Argentine hockey player, preparing in Stanley for the upcoming Olympics, before presenting the viewer with the slogan “To compete on English soil, we train on Argentine soil.”

Despite a request from WPP – the British agency of which Young & Rubicam, who created the spot, is a subsidiary – to pull the advert, the Argentine government will continue to broadcast it.

Mr Timerman, who took Argentina’s sovereignty claim to the Falklands to the UN and has criticised Britain’s “militarisation” of the South Atlantic, said Mr Hammond is an “adversary of whom to be fearful”.

He said: “I imagine that, since he assumed his role as Defence Secretary, Mr Hammond has been so busy controlling the many British soldiers at war that he has not had time to read Margaret Atwood, born in one of his former colonies, who in 1993 wrote: ‘War is what happens when language fails’.

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