THESE ARE GENUINE CLIPS FROM COUNCIL COMPLAINT LETTERS:
1: My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.
2: Its the dog mess I find hard to swallow.
3: He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can’t take anymore.
4: I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7: I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8: My lavatory is cracked, where do I stand?
9: I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10: Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11: I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12: 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
13: I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15: Will you please send a man to look at my water; it’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16: Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and now split into 3 pieces.
17: I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and it’s now getting too much for me!
18: The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19: Our kitchen floor is damp, we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.
20: I am a single women living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21: Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22: I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but I still get no satisfaction.
23: This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still can’t get BBC2 on the TV.