Tenant’s Complaints To The Council


1: My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.

2: Its the dog mess I find hard to swallow.

3: He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can’t take anymore.

4: I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7: I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8: My lavatory is cracked, where do I stand?

9: I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10: Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11: I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12: 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

13: I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15: Will you please send a man to look at my water; it’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16: Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and now split into 3 pieces.

17: I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and it’s now getting too much for me!

18: The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19: Our kitchen floor is damp, we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.

20: I am a single women living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21: Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22: I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but I still get no satisfaction.

23: This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still can’t get BBC2 on the TV.


Gordon And The Donkey

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when he drove up he said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news… the donkey is on my cart, but unfortunately he’s just died of old age’.

Gordon replied, ‘Well then, just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘I can’t do that, because I’ve spent it already.’

Gordon said, ‘OK then, well just un-load the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Gordon answered, ‘I’m going to raffle him off’; to which the farmer exclaimed, ‘Surely you can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, ‘Of course I can, I just won’t bother to tell anybody that he’s dead.’

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Gordon said, ‘I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a huge, fat profit!!’

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?’

Gordon replied, ‘The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister as, no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend because you’ll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

There’s no place for dreaming spires in Professor Les Ebdon’s world

In Thomas Hardy’s great and gloomy novel, Jude the Obscure, the poor boy Jude hears of Oxford (called Christminster in the novel) from his good teacher who is heading there. Jude wants to follow him to this place of promise. His aunt discourages it – “We’ve never had anything to do with folk in Christminster” – but Jude longs at least to see from afar what he imagines to be “the heavenly Jerusalem”. Reflecting that “the higher he got, the further he could see”, he climbs a ladder on to the roof of a barn and looks out. Across the vale, he discerns the university of Christminster in the evening light, and gazes “on and on till the windows and veils lost their shine” in the dusk.

If you look on the website of Parliament, you can watch the proceedings of the House of Commons Select Committee on Business, Innovation and Skills. Last week, the committee interviewed Professor Les Ebdon, who is the Government’s preferred candidate to run OFFA, the Office for Fair Access. This is the body which forces our universities to make agreements with it about how they will admit more pupils from “disadvantaged” backgrounds.

Read more….

Joke of the year: dwarf gag is Telegraph readers’ favourite one-liner

Hundreds of Telegraph readers submitted jokes after comedian Tim Vine cemented his reputation as king of the one-liners by winning the Lafta awards Joke of the Year.

Vine’s gag – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes” – saw off competition from acts including Jimmy Carr and Paul Daniels, the magician.

We asked readers to suggest their own favourite jokes. More than 3,600 votes were cast for the top ten.

Coming top with 736 votes was FMLuder’s pun:

“I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car and said, ‘I’m not happy’. To which I replied, ‘Which one are you then.”

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Judge casts doubt on criminal ‘s human rights reform

Mr Justice Blake warned moves to rebalance deportation decisions to make it harder for foreign criminals to hide behind the right to family life will not be possible.

Theresa May, the Home Secretary, has proposed that for those jailed for at least a year the public interest in deporting them must outweigh any right to family life, which should only be applied in exceptional circumstances.

But Mr Justice Blake, president of the immigration and asylum Upper Tribunal, the highest immigration court, ruled that the right to family life is an exception in itself and there is “no justification” for any other position.

He made the general comments as he ruled former Indian nurse Milind Sanade can stay because he has a wife and two children here.

He made the decision even though he accepted Mr Sanade’s residence in the UK “has not been particularly long” or that relocation of his family to India would be “practically impossible”.

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Many parents ‘better off on the dole’ after tax credit changes

Working tax credit is a payment for people in employment earning less than £12,900 per year or a couple earning less than £17,700 or less a year.

However, Government figures show that around 200,000 couples who work part time while bringing up children are set to lose their entitlement of almost £4,000 per year from April, unless they increase their working hours.

Charities said the move would “push families back into the benefits system”, as couples must now work at least 24 hours per week before they are eligible for the credit.

Rachel Reeves, the shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury minister, will today claim the changes will mean “going out to work makes no sense” for some couples.

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New York woman pleads guilty to kidnapping baby 23 years ago

The girl’s true mother wept in the courtroom as Ann Pettway, 51, admitted the charge.

Pettway appeared resigned to a life behind bars as she entered the plea at a federal courthouse in Manhattan. Her voice was flat as she briefly recounted how she took a train from her home in Connecticut to Harlem Hospital, where she scooped up Carlina White, a three-week-old baby who had been brought to casualty by her parents.

“I went to the hospital. I took a child,” she said. “It was wrong.”

Pettway said little else during the hearing, and offered no explanation for her actions. As part of her plea bargain, prosecutors agreed to recommend between 10 and 12 and a half years in prison, although the actual term will be set by a judge.

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