Divorce Letters

Dear wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

 P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

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Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

 I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.  

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that’s not a problem.

Scottish Christmas

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the father says.

‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

‘Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘Like hell they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this,’

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay,’ he says, ‘They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

Abu Qatada to be released within days

Mr Justice Mitting released Qatada despite the Home Office arguing he remains a risk to national security.

His defence team had argued his detention of six and a half years while fighting deportation was unlawful because he did not face any imminent prospect of being removed.

The cleric is wanted in Jordan to stand trial for alleged terror offences and Home Secretary Theresa May battled to keep him behind bars while British diplomats continue to seek assurances from the Jordanian authorities that evidence gained through torture would not be used against him.

Ed Fitzgerald QC, representing Qatada, who is being held in high security conditions, said his client had now been held for six-and-a-half years while fighting deportation – more than anyone else in such a position.

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Voted Best Joke In Ireland, 2007

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night’

She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’

‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.  The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’

She said,  ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

Syria: new wave of bloody attacks kills 50 in Homs

Up to 50 people have died this morning during the attacks, a senior member of the Syrian National Council said.

The SNC said the regime had encircled the city with tanks ahead of “a major offensive” and urged the international community to act quickly to prevent a new massacre.

“The tally that we have received from various activists in Homs since the shelling started at six this morning is 50, mostly civilians. The regime is acting as if it were immune to international intervention and has a free hand to use violence against the people,” Catherine al-Talli told Reuters.

Other activists have put the death toll at 12 so far in the city which has been the epicentre of the Syrian uprising.

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