Early Retirement

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can take.

Human Resources

Grand Canyon Photographer

This  is a case of a photographer photographing another photographer. 

The following  pictures were taken by Hans van de Vorst from  the Netherlands at  the Grand Canyon, Arizona. The descriptions are his own. The identity  of the photographer  in the photos is unknown.

I was simply stunned seeing this guy standing on this  solitary rock in the Grand  Canyon. The  canyon’s depth is  900 meters here. The rock on the right is  next to the canyon and much  safer. Watching this guy on his  thong sandals, with a  camera and a tripod I asked myself 3  questions:

1. How did he climb that  rock?  

2. Why not take that sunset picture from that rock  to the right, which is perfectly  safe?

3. How will he get back? 

After the sun set behind the canyon’s horizon he packed his things (having  only one hand available) and prepared himself for the jump. This took about 2 minutes.

At that  point he had the full attention of the crowd. 

This  is the point of no return. After that, he jumped on his thong sandals… remember the canyon’s depth is 900 meters (3,000 feet) here.

Now you can see that the adjacent rock is higher so he tried to land lower, which is quite steep and tried to use his  one hand to grab the rock. 

 

We’ve come to the end of this story.

Look carefully at the  photographer. He has a camera, a tripod and also a plastic  bag, all on his shoulder or in his left hand. Only his right hand is available to  grab the rock and the weight of his stuff is a  problem. 

He  lands low on his flip flops, both his right hand and right foot slip  away…   At that moment I take this shot. He pushes his body against the rock.  

He waits for a few seconds, throws his stuff on the rock, climbs and walks away; presumably to a bathroom to change his pants.

I  know I had to change mine and I was just  watching

The BBC’s distortion of the truth helps Putin suppress his critics

There have been two major crises to confront the Secret Intelligence Service in the post-war era. The first came after 1951, when it was learnt that the KGB had successfully penetrated it at a senior level. Fifty years later, a second disaster struck – arguably more damaging in the long run – thanks to the free and easy relationship between MI6 and New Labour.

Tony Blair would talk publicly about intelligence briefings in a way that no prime minister had done before, making lurid claims about what he was being told by the intelligence services. Meanwhile, intelligence gathering lost its rigour, becoming partisan and politicised. The most shocking case remains the notorious dossier concerning Saddam Hussein’s so‑called weapons of mass destruction, presented to Parliament in September 2002, which turned out to be extremely badly sourced.

But it is still not widely understood that this disgraceful episode reflected a wider culture of slackness. I remember being taken aside by a New Labour spin doctor shortly after the 1997 general election, who told me that MI6 had been running an agent inside the Bundesbank.

Read more….

At last, some justice for Testosterone Fred

The City bonus culture is the financial sector’s version of Mine’s Bigger than Yours. No one in British banking was a bigger Willy Waver than Sir Fred Goodwin. His unchecked ego led the then chief executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland to purchase a diseased Dutch bank with slightly less care than your average person would take to buy a kettle. Testosterone Fred had to have ABN Amro; nothing and no one could stop him getting his hands on a prize which was worth “a whole load of nothing”, according to one horrified analyst.

The result was the worst financial disaster in British history; the taxpayer had to prop up the bank to the tune of £45.5 billion. Some tune; more like an unending funeral march. We will not know the exact toll in human misery for years to come, but at least Fred Goodwin has now been stripped of his knighthood – a humiliation described by one wag as Sircumcision.

For the ultimate Willy Waver to be Sircumcised feels like poetic justice, and long overdue, but protests began immediately that this was “mob rule” and anti-business “hysteria”. The Government, critics shrieked, had “bowed to public anger”. Shocking in a democracy to accede to what most decent people believe is only fair and right, isn’t it? If seeing a man lose a privileged title for his arrogant folly is mob rule, then kindly pass this tricoteuse her knitting needles.

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David Miliband: my brother and a return to old Labour

The former foreign secretary’s intervention comes in a week when Ed Miliband has boasted of leading political debate after his successful calls for Stephen Hester, the chief executive of RBS, to forfeit his £1 million bonus and for Fred Goodwin, his predecessor, to be stripped of his knighthood.

Despite his brother’s jubilation, the older Miliband uses his first major statement since defeat in the 2010 leadership contest to warn that the party “cannot afford” to lose the support of the business community.

In an article in the New Statesman magazine, Mr Miliband urges the party to avoid returning to Old Labour thinking and not to be overly critical of Tony Blair’s achievements in government.

The timing will be seen as highly significant and will provoke speculation that he still harbours ambitions to replace his brother as Labour leader. Although the current party leadership is delighted with Ed Miliband’s “class war” campaign, those close to Mr Blair are growing increasingly nervous over its anti-business and enterprise rhetoric.

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Egypt football riot: Hosni Mubarak supporters blamed for Port Said football tragedy

One of the Muslim Brotherhood’s best-known figures, Essam el-Erian claimed the former military dictatorship was behind the violence.

“The events in Port Said are planned and are a message from the remnants of the former regime,” Mr el-Erian, now vice-president of the Brotherhood-backed Freedom and Justice Party and an MP, said.

“This tragedy is the result of negligence and the lack of army and police, and those running the country bear the responsibility. There are those who deliberately want to sow chaos in the country and place obstacles in front of the peaceful transfer of power.”

Fans and some security officers were stabbed, crushed and suffocated as home supporters in the city of Port Said invaded the pitch after a victory against Egypt’s biggest club, the Cairo-based Al-Ahly.

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