Jewish Divorce

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,

 “I’m divorcing Irv.

All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My orifice is now the size of a 50 pence piece

When it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece.”

 Her mother replies,

 “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a £350,000 Ferrari,

You get £3,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 vacations a year and

You want to throw all that away…

 Over 45 pence?”

NOW THAT’S A JEWISH MOTHER

David Cameron is drawing his battle lines firmly in the centre ground

It may infuriate his backbenchers, but the PM is keeping his inner Tory suppressed

In a few weeks, we will mark the anniversary of the last time the Tories won an election outright and formed a majority government. Twenty years ago, John Major defied the pollsters to secure a victory that has eluded all his successors, including David Cameron. The occasion is unlikely to be celebrated in Downing Street, where reminders that the Prime Minister fell short are seldom welcome. Mr Cameron was a young special adviser in 1992, and feels the pressure to win in his own right more than anyone.

Like making sausages, however, politics is a messy business. The first duty of any party leader is to get his side into power. On that measure, Mr Cameron is impressively successful. He was bold when he needed to be, with a well-pitched offer to Nick Clegg and the Lib Dems that persuaded them to form the current Coalition. In office, he has shown himself to be a natural at the business of governing, decisive when needed, calm, confident, able to delegate and communicate with ease. “Born to rule,” they whisper in No 10, only slightly in jest. He has all the attributes of a winner, except the majority to prove it. Now he is prepared to do what it takes to stay in power, even if that means going against his party’s deepest instincts in stripping a banker of his knighthood.

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Russian EU envoy: ‘no chance for UN resolution on Syria’

Vladimir Chizhov’s remarks were the latest suggestion that Russia would veto the resolution, which supports an Arab League plan calling for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to cede power, if it is not changed to take Moscow’s concerns into account.

The draft “is missing the most important thing: a clear clause ruling out the possibility that the resolution could be used to justify military intervention in Syrian affairs from outside. For this reason I see no chance this draft could be adopted,” said Chizhov, Russia’s envoy to the European Union.

Russia has repeatedly warned it would prevent the Security Council from stamping its approval on potential military intervention in Syria, where the United Nations says more than 5,000 people have been killed since Assad’s government began a crackdown on pro-democracy unrest nearly a year ago.

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Iain Duncan Smith launches last-ditch appeal over welfare reforms

Last night the House of Lords defeated the Government on seven key parts of the Welfare Reform Bill, including the centrepiece proposal to cap out-of-work benefits at £26,000 per household.

Iain Duncan Smith, the welfare minister, will offer minor concessions to critics of his plan to cap state benefit payments in a bit to rescue the plan.

However, ministers are determined to overturn all the defeats and will table their own amendments, reinstating the original plans, in the Commons today.

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Fred Goodwin: decision to strip knighthood was result of ‘anti-business hysteria’

The shamed RBS former chief executive had his honour annulled by the Forfeiture Committee after overseeing the biggest failure in British banking history, resulting in a £45 billion bailout by the taxpayer.

But the decision has been criticised by many leading business figures who argue that he has been unfairly singled out for his role in the banking crisis and has become the victim of a “lynch mob” mentality.

Former Labour Chancellor Alistair Darling said the decision to remove Mr Goodwin’s honour was “tawdry” insisting there were other bankers with honours who could equally be punished for their reckless actions.

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