Misunderstood Male

Q: What’s the best way to kill a man?

A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack before him – then tell him to pick only one.

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:….

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need… A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to ‘instruction manuals’

A Blond Guy Joke

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

‘What’s up?’ he says.

‘I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: ‘Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!’

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
‘You rotten bastard,’ says the husband, ‘my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!’

Stephen Hester’s bonus is a sideshow; the real issue is what’s become of our £45bn

If we could depart, for the moment, from what in the greater scheme of things is the almost wholly irrelevant distraction of Stephen Hester’s bonus, a rather more important question continues to fester – when, if ever, is the taxpayer going to see some sort of a return on the £45bn of rescue capital sunk into Mr Hester’s charge, Royal Bank of Scotland?

To have so much public money tied up doing nothing at a time of growing fiscal austerity is a travesty bordering on the criminal. Think how many schools, hospitals, and even aircraft carriers, it could provide.

It had been hoped that by now the Government would be preparing the way for sale of at least a part of its 83pc stake, if not at a profit, certainly at no less than its effective buy-in price. With the shares still languishing at just 27p, against an average purchase price of 60p, that prospect remains a distant dream.

Read more….

Britain warns Russia not to block UN effort over Syria

Foreign Secretary William Hague was on Monday flying to New York to lend Britain’s support to an Arab-backed draft resolution calling on the country’s authoritarian leader Bashar al-Assad to step down and pave the way for a transfer of power.

The Arab League’s secretary general Nabil Elaraby will on Tuesday brief Security Council members, including Mr Hague, on the findings of its recent mission to monitor the Assad regime’s response to widespread protests against his rule.

The suspension of the mission at the weekend was followed by an upsurge in violence, with reports of at least 62 deaths as regime forces stormed rebel strongholds in the capital Damascus and around the country.

Western powers including Britain and France are pushing for the adoption this week of the resolution tabled by current Security Council member Morocco, which would give international backing to an Arab League timetable for the transition of power in Syria to a unity government, followed by free elections.

Read more….

Stephen Hester bonus: ‘payments are matter for individuals’, says Downing Street

The statement came after Stephen Hester, the Royal Bank of Scotland’s chief executive, bowed to mounting public and political pressure and agreed to waive his £1 million bonus.

But asked whether the Prime Minister was happy to see other RBS executives receive million-pound bonuses, a Downing Street spokeswoman said: “What we are not going to be doing is micro-managing.

“This Government has taken action to ensure that bonuses are responsible, they are much lower, there is a cap on cash bonuses of £2,000 and we are reforming the whole system.”

It was “a matter for individuals” whether they choose to accept any bonus they are offered, said the spokeswoman.

She added: “The Prime Minister’s view was that he wanted the bonuses to be lower. He always made it clear that it was a matter for Mr Hester whether he took that bonus or not, and that should remain the case.

Read more….

The Vicar’s Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘f**k him’.