Lonely Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel, outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bacon sandwich!!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.

“The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.”

Ah! The wisdom of the long distance driver!!!

Five Canadian Surgeons

Five surgeons from Canadian cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Calgary, says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

The second, from Winnipeg, responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’

The third surgeon, from Vancouver, says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order’

The fourth surgeon, from Montreal chimes in ‘You know, I like construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.’

But the fifth surgeon, from St John’s, Newfoundland shut them all up when he observed: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no backbone, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Australian Letter of the Year – Politically Incorrect.

(The asterisks are all mine.)

Straight to the point!

A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that they are far more direct and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected w****r who wouldn’t otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.

  Below is one such wonderful communication…

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also. would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my Father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely f****g astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!…

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*****g address!!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin’ there?

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell you!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f*****g copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo.. that’d be too f*****g easy and make far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*****g heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w****r to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! …you f*****g morons.

Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.

PS: Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. And Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am; You know.. Someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*****G PAKISTAN!!!……a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the ‘right sort of government.’

PSS: You are all a load of f*****g idiots.

Costa Concordia: what made the captain panic?

Did Captain Francesco Schettino abandon his sinking ship of his own accord, more than four hours before the evacuation was complete – or, by his own account, did he “trip and fall” into the lifeboat that saved him?

Whichever version you believe, when the Costa Concordia capsized off the Tuscan coast eight days ago, that time-honoured rule of the sea, “Women and children first”, did not seem uppermost in the mind of the man responsible for the disaster. Passengers reported “just complete and utter chaos”, and that no one from his crew seemed to know what they were doing. It is clear to me that panic had taken him over.

Almost all of us are capable of panic. What is harder to determine is exactly how we will react when it grips us.

Imagine being at home late one night, quite alone, and suddenly hearing a loud noise from your kitchen. In a fraction of a second, your heart beats wildly. You breathe faster, your mouth is suddenly dry, and you feel faint as the blood in your body is shunted into the muscles, to give the best chance of speedy escape.

Read more,,,,

Costa Concordia: search operations resume as 20 still missing

Choppy seas kept divers from exploring the submerged part however, where officials have said there could be bodies.

Italian navy and coast guard divers are hoping to get under water in the hope of finding some of the 20 people who are still missing from the disaster.

Coast Guard divers have been concentrating on parts of the ship where survivors have said many passengers were awaiting evacuation the night of Jan. 13 after the Concordia’s hull was gashed by a reef as the cruise liner came too close to the island.

The search operation continues to take priority over any attempts to begin pumping out the 2,400 tons of heavy oil and diesel in the cruise ship’s tankers.

Italian authorities face the acute moral quandary of when to abandon the search and rescue effort and allow a Dutch salvage firm, Smit, to begin extracting the fuel.

Read more….

Nick Clegg: housing benefit reform won’t trigger ‘mass homelessness’

Mr Clegg said that while there was scope to look at the “transitional arrangements” for introducing the benefits cap, he fully supported the principle behind it.

“I completely back Iain Duncan Smith on this,” he told BBC1’s The Andrew Marr Show.

“It surely can’t be fair, it can’t be right, that you can be earning, if you like, more on benefits than someone going out earning £35,000 which is the equivalent if you were to go out and work.”

Campaigners say the benefits cap of £26,000 a year will trigger ‘social cleansing’ as limits on housing benefit force people to move out of expensive areas.

But Mr Clegg said: “This is not going to be some sort of punitive programme of mass homelessness. Of course we won’t allow that to happen.”

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