The Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that enough was enough, particularly as Social Services wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’

‘Trust me, it will do the job,’ said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5,’ – at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

1 Corinthians 13:1. The Most Wonderful Prose

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Love, it profiteth me nothing.

Love suffereth long, and is kind;
Love envieth not;
Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly,
Seeketh not her own,
Is not easily provoked,
Thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

And now abideth faith, hope, Love, these three; but the greatest of these is Love.

Sir Salman Rushdie facing threats of Muslim reprisals over Jaipur Literature Festival appearance

By Dean Nelson, New Delhi4:03PM GMT 10 Jan 2012168 Comments:

The demand from the Islamic body revived divisions over ‘The Satanic Verses,’ his 1988 novel that Muslim groups have condemned as blasphemous.

The Rajasthan festival later this month is due to host leading writers and playwrights, including Annie Proulx, Ben Okri, David Hare and Richard Dawkins.

Fatwas from the Darul Uloom seminary in Deoband are observed throughout the world. Its vice chancellor said tens of millions of muslims remain ‘hurt’ the novel.

The Statanic Verses provoked outrage throughout the Muslim world over the narrator’s claim that disputed verses in the Koran had been revealed by the Archangel Gabriel.

Sir Salman was forced into hiding after Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa for his execution. India was one of the many countries which banned the book.

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