The Missouri Sheriff

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.       

He tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.’

The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The  Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.’  Reaching into his rear pant  pocket and removing his badge. The  officer proudly displays it  to the farmer.

‘See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on  any land. No questions asked or answers  given. Have I made myself  clear? Do you  understand?’

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

‘Your badge! Show him your badge!’

The Value of a Drink

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams
. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ”
~ Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, “I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS.”

Police Warning

An important message from the Northamptonshire Police – please pass this along to all the women you know…..

This actually happened a few weeks ago on the M3 Fleet services. It was early evening and a young girl stopped to get petrol. She filled her tank and walked into the store to pay. The cashier told her, ‘don’t pay for your petrol yet…..walk around the store for a while and act as if you’re picking up some other things to buy. A man just got into the back of your car. I’ve called the police and they’re on their way’.

When the police arrived, they found the man in the back seat of the girl’s car and asked him what he was doing. He replied, he was joining a gang and the initiation to join is to kidnap a woman and bring her back to the gang to be raped by every member of the gang. If the woman was still alive by the time they finish with her then they let her go.

According to the police that night, there is a new gang forming here which originated in London. The scary part of this is that because the guy didn’t have a weapon on him. The police could only charge him with trespassing…. He’s back on the street now and free to try again.

Please be aware of what’s going on around you and for your family and friends. LADIES you or one of your family and friends could be the next victim. Please forward this on to everyone you know. Please do not discard this message as it is very important that everyone knows what is happening.

Please be careful when leaving your vehicle and make sure it is ALWAYS locked to prevent this from happening to you.

SAFETY ADVICE AND INFORMATION.

This first bit is mainly for women, but boys please read it and send it onto any women you care about. The second bit is a warning to all of us! Some sound advice as we all sometimes forget to take our common sense with us when we go out.

This is from Northants Police… Women….

In the light of the recent kidnapping and now murder of Leigh Mathews I think it is important to read the following information for your own safety. Things women should know to stay safe: Please take the time to read these pointers. There may just be one or two you hadn’t thought of. After reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. If a robber asks for your handbag, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. he is probably more interested in your handbag than in you and he will usually go for the andbag. THEN RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the boot of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm through the hole and start waving. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has technique has already saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (checking their cheque book, or making a list). DON’T DO THIS! A predator could be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, and attack you. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a car park:

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and check the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most attackers surprise their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the shop, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the lift instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked ‘for help’ into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone recently told me that her friend had heard a crying baby on her porch the night, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her ‘Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.’

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, ‘We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.’ He told her that they think a serial killer had a baby’s cry recorded and used it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear babies’ cries outside their doors when they’re home alone at night. Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby.

I’d like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.

NORTHAMPTONSHIRE POLICE – Visit us at http://www.northants.police.uk/