Wisdom In A Phrase

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I Have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in bed but fine against a wall.'                             - Eleanor Roosevelt 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if You get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she Stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante    

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food Groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

 My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in It..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its Way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts To wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go Anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.