The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,  her Father cussed her.
‘Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?’
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff…..Dad….I became a prostitute…’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a a disgrace to this Catholic family.’
‘OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For
me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the
country club…(takes a deep breath)….. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new
yacht in the Riviera and… …’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff….a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.’
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.’

Don’t Leave it All to Me

WHY ARE WE SHATTERED AND OVERWORKED?  

This is the reason: The population of this country is 61 million. 31 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million at school. That leaves 11 million to do the work. 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government to look after us. That leaves 5 million to do the work. One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work. 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the government to look after us. That leaves one million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons. Which leaves 2 people to do the work. You and me! And you are sitting on your arse reading this!  

No wonder I’m bloody shattered!

My Brand New Porsche!

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.

No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!”

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,” he says. “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies: “Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The Londoner looks down in horror: “FRIGGING HELL!” he screams…….

“Where’s my Rolex????…”

Tribal Harmony

CELTIC AND RANGERS

On a tour ofScotland, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast.

Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Glasgow Celtic jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow Rangers tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,
immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and using long clubs to beat the shark to death They bundled the bleeding,
semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and were preparing for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic calling from the shore…… It was the Queen
calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I’ll give you all a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Scotland were
bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations.”

She knighted them all and drove off.

As she departed the harpoonist asked the others: “Who was that?!”

“That,” one answered, “was the Queen. She rules Britain and knows everything about our country.”

“Well,” the harpoonist replied, “she knows frig all about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up Ok? or do we need to get another one?

The Sad Passing of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend Common Sense who Has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

  • Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
  • Why the early bird gets the worm;
  • That life isn’t always fair and;
  • That maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn), and reliable strategies (adults not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place:

  • Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate;
  • A teen suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and;
  • A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student (which only worsened his condition).

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or give an Aspirin tablet to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating on learning that you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and that the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, by his daughter Responsibility and by his son Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

  • Know My Rights;
  • I Want It Now;
  • Someone Else Is To Blame, and;
  • I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him pass this on; if not join the majority and do nothing.