(The Then) Australian Prime Minister: Kevin Rudd

MODERATE WORDS OF WISDOM
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks..

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote: ‘IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.’

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE’.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

Kids Are Quick

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIE: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

The British Solution to Saving Petrol

Gordon Brown wanted us to cut the amount of petrol we use……


The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down…..

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel….

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq …..

Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military….

Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it…..

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country…..

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident….

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves…….

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo……

Problem solved……

Common Sense at School

SCHOOL – 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario
:
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2010 – Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes

Scenario :
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 – Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2010 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp’s nest.

1957 – Wasps die.

2010- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Single vs. Engaged vs. Married

Sipping  her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of  the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.. When  all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!”

  The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When  my fiancée got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!”

  The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight  leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he   grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for  dinner?

From Vocational Training

THE SQUEEZE

A dad is in a restaurant with his son. The young man is demonstrating how he can
catch a pound coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air.

Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes he has
swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is
sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the
saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly.
After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the pound coin, which
the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replies,” I work for the Inland Revenue.”