Carnation Milk

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With ‘Carnation Milk Is Best Of All.’

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a large black limousine pulled up in front of her house. A smartly dressed man got out, knocked on her door and said, “Ma’am , the President of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry. So much, in fact , that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisement!

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.”

( Here It Is )

99999True Story!

If This Offends, Then Sorry – But I Love It!

London cab driver’s answer to a request from a Muslim passenger to turn off his radio.

(You just got to love the Brits.)

99999

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music.

In the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music; the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing?”

The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so p**s off and wait for the next camel.”

Can I Say That?

Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians) etc. etc. etc., but it’s insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?

Don’t we need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness?

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

999991. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive and don’t pass it on,
You may be a Muslim.

99998

Democracy And Racism

The son of an illegal immigrant family asked his mother “What’s
democracy and what’s racism?

His mother replied, “Well son, democracy is when British tax payers work their a***s off, and often go without, to pay for all our free benefits, housing, healthcare and education.”

The boy thought for a moment. “But don’t the British tax payers get cross about that and complain?” he asked.

His mother smiled. “Yes my son. That’s what we call racism!”

Aplomb – Downton Abbey Style

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

99999“May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

99998“Go ahead, Carson ,” said His Lordship.

99999“I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear about.”

99998“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

99999“Aplomb,” My Lord.

99998“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

99999“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused.”

99998“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

99999“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

99998“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

99999“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

99998“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

99999“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

99998“That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender.”

99999Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

99998“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, ‘Darling, does your prick still throb?’

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

THAT is aplomb!”

Getting The Better Of Gandhi

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity towards Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their “arguments” were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

The professor, in his arrogance, said, “Mr Gandhi: you do not understand… a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat “, to which Gandhi replies, “Do not worry professor, I’ll fly away”, and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question: “Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “the one with the money, of course”.

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, “In, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.

“Each one takes what one doesn’t have”, responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already very annoyed, writes on the exam sheet the word “idiot” and gives it to Gandhi.

Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”