Can I Say That?

Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians) etc. etc. etc., but it’s insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?

Don’t we need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness?

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

999991. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive and don’t pass it on,
You may be a Muslim.

99998

Democracy And Racism

The son of an illegal immigrant family asked his mother “What’s
democracy and what’s racism?

His mother replied, “Well son, democracy is when British tax payers work their a***s off, and often go without, to pay for all our free benefits, housing, healthcare and education.”

The boy thought for a moment. “But don’t the British tax payers get cross about that and complain?” he asked.

His mother smiled. “Yes my son. That’s what we call racism!”

Aplomb – Downton Abbey Style

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

99999“May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

99998“Go ahead, Carson ,” said His Lordship.

99999“I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear about.”

99998“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

99999“Aplomb,” My Lord.

99998“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

99999“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused.”

99998“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

99999“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

99998“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

99999“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

99998“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

99999“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

99998“That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender.”

99999Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

99998“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, ‘Darling, does your prick still throb?’

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

THAT is aplomb!”

Getting The Better Of Gandhi

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity towards Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their “arguments” were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

The professor, in his arrogance, said, “Mr Gandhi: you do not understand… a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat “, to which Gandhi replies, “Do not worry professor, I’ll fly away”, and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question: “Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “the one with the money, of course”.

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, “In, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.

“Each one takes what one doesn’t have”, responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already very annoyed, writes on the exam sheet the word “idiot” and gives it to Gandhi.

Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

British Humour

999It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in the tank to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London …..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Riots in Wythenshawe, (Manchester) last month caused over a Million pounds worth of  improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who’s English.  Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her Eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I Saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just On Standby.

They’ve had to cancel the panto ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham, Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London .. Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.” But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve Found that a bacon sandwich just works a treat!

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.”What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.

“He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any So I gave him an entire box of
laxatives.”

“You idiot” said the chemist, “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives.”

“Of course you can” the assistant replied,”Look at him………he just daren’t cough now!!”.

True Sentences …the things wot I’ve learned…

Never argue with an idiot. He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Cops

999How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Glaswegian police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (don’t ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does
this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to
stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get
blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the
opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of
my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG ! BANG !

‘Click’…Reload…

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG ! BANG !

Glaswegian Police Officer:

“Naw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noow, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!”