Mess With Them At Your Peril!

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot
them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was no one available!”

(True Story)

Don’t mess with old people!

Carnation Milk

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With ‘Carnation Milk Is Best Of All.’

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a large black limousine pulled up in front of her house. A smartly dressed man got out, knocked on her door and said, “Ma’am , the President of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry. So much, in fact , that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisement!

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.”

( Here It Is )

99999True Story!

If This Offends, Then Sorry – But I Love It!

London cab driver’s answer to a request from a Muslim passenger to turn off his radio.

(You just got to love the Brits.)

99999

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music.

In the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music; the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing?”

The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so p**s off and wait for the next camel.”

Can I Say That?

Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians) etc. etc. etc., but it’s insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?

Don’t we need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness?

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

999991. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive and don’t pass it on,
You may be a Muslim.

99998

Democracy And Racism

The son of an illegal immigrant family asked his mother “What’s
democracy and what’s racism?

His mother replied, “Well son, democracy is when British tax payers work their a***s off, and often go without, to pay for all our free benefits, housing, healthcare and education.”

The boy thought for a moment. “But don’t the British tax payers get cross about that and complain?” he asked.

His mother smiled. “Yes my son. That’s what we call racism!”