I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in West Sydney.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”.
I thought they were brilliant. Songs like “Losing My Head Over You”, “Rocket Launcher Man”, “You’re Six You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine”
Their last song, “Living on a Prayer Mat”, almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well, that was when the trouble started . . . these p****s had no sense of humour!
You think you have lived to be 90 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot?
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.
I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “are you a real pilot?”
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says “Don’t laugh, your next!!”
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said “You must answer 3 questions on the Bible”.
“1st – Who was born in a stable?”
“Red Rum” he replied
“2nd – What do you think of Damascus ?”
“It kills 99% of all germs” he replied.
“3rd – What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?”
“That’s easy” he said “Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!”
Little boy gets home from school and says “Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play as a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His Dad replies “Never mind Son. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part!!”
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says “Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.”
Mick agrees “I’m ordering one right now”
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick “Has your woman turned up yet?”
“No” said Mick “but it shouldn’t be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks “I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?”
The doctor replies “Yes, but you will have to be a little patient”.
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i” rather than “I’ve just buggered an 18 year old escort”.
The police still haven’t seen the funny side, my lap top’s been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to live with her mother.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”
Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”
George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot
George said, “I thought you said there was no one available!”
Don’t mess with old people!
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With ‘Carnation Milk Is Best Of All.’
She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a large black limousine pulled up in front of her house. A smartly dressed man got out, knocked on her door and said, “Ma’am , the President of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry. So much, in fact , that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisement!
He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.”
( Here It Is )