Getting The Better Of Gandhi

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity towards Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their “arguments” were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

The professor, in his arrogance, said, “Mr Gandhi: you do not understand… a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat “, to which Gandhi replies, “Do not worry professor, I’ll fly away”, and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question: “Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “the one with the money, of course”.

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, “In, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.

“Each one takes what one doesn’t have”, responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already very annoyed, writes on the exam sheet the word “idiot” and gives it to Gandhi.

Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

British Humour

999It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in the tank to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London …..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Riots in Wythenshawe, (Manchester) last month caused over a Million pounds worth of  improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who’s English.  Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her Eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I Saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just On Standby.

They’ve had to cancel the panto ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham, Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London .. Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.” But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve Found that a bacon sandwich just works a treat!

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.”What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.

“He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any So I gave him an entire box of
laxatives.”

“You idiot” said the chemist, “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives.”

“Of course you can” the assistant replied,”Look at him………he just daren’t cough now!!”.

True Sentences …the things wot I’ve learned…

Never argue with an idiot. He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Cops

999How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Glaswegian police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (don’t ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does
this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to
stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get
blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the
opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of
my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG ! BANG !

‘Click’…Reload…

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG ! BANG !

Glaswegian Police Officer:

“Naw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noow, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!”

No Offence Meant!

A Black African Father and Son are traveling from USA to London…

The pilot announced:

“The fuel tank is getting empty; we have to throw out the baggage.” Baggages were thrown.

After a while, pilot announces:

“The plane is still too heavy, I am very sorry but we have to start unloading passengers…

And to make it fair as possible we will do it in an alphabetical order…

Are there any Africans onboard?” No answer.

“Ok, any Black people on board?” No answer.

“Ok…any Colored people?” No answer.

“Hmm…Any Dark people?” Still no answer.

Then the boy asks:

“But dad…I thought you said that we are proud, African, Black, Colored, Dark people?”

“Yes my son…but today we are Negros.”

Intimate Protection

999A Taliban suicide bomber stopped and searched by police, was found with a metal shield around his penis.

Asked about the purpose of this protection, his response was: “I want to keep my penis intact after the explosion, so as not to have sexual problems once I get my
72 virgins in heaven!”

I was just wondering -

Is this the true interpretation of a Dick Head?

 

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

Down ArrowThe woman replies, “It’s Keith, ….. The dwarf”

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