How Did You Die?

12Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates and are comparing stories  on how they each had died.

First Woman: “I froze to death.”

Second Woman: “You froze to death? how horrible!”

First Woman: “Well, it wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”

Second Woman: “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV.”

First Woman: “So what happened?”

Second Woman: “I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched, then ran all the way back down to the basement and searched. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.”

First Woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer first – We’d both still be alive…”

God And Adam

And God Said to Adam…

God said: Adam, I

Want you to do

Something for Me.’

 

Adam said: ‘Gladly,

Lord, what do You

Want me to do?’

 

God said: ‘Go down

Into that valley.’

Adam said: ‘What’s a Valley?’

 

God explained it to

Him. Then God said:

‘Cross the river.’

 

Adam said: ‘What’s a River?’

God explained that

To him, and then said:

‘Go over to the hill….’

 

Adam said: ‘What is a

Hill?’

So, God explained to

Adam what a hill was.

 

He told Adam : ‘On

The other side of the

Hill you will find a

Cave.’

Adam said: : ‘What’s a

Cave?’

After God explained ,

He said: ‘In the cave

You will find a woman.’

Adam said: : ‘What’s a Woman?’

God explained

That to him, too.

 

Then, God said: ‘I

Want you to

Reproduce.’

 

Adam said: ‘How do

I do that?’

God first said (under

His breath): ‘Geez…..’

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to

Adam, as well.

 

So, Adam goes down

Into the valley,

Across the river, and

Over the hill, into the

Cave, and finds the

Woman.

 

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience

Wearing thin, said

Angrily: ‘What is it

Now?’

Adam looked at him apologetically and asked:

 

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

‘What’s a headache?’

 

The Senior Prenuptial Agreement

12An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

She said: “I want to keep my house.”

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “I want to keep my Cadillac.”

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.”

OK he said, “Put me down for Fridays.”

The Lion Tamers

12A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”

Learning New Words…

12A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

 The missionary is pleased with the response.

 They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

“My bike.”

Two Nuns At Work

12Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.”Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”

One Last Time…

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: ‘Can your dog perform other tricks?’.

‘But of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman’.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, ‘OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it’s done.”

The College Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

Good News, Bad News

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat…

Says He: “I’m sorry honey but I’m up to my neck in work today”

Says She: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”

Says He: “OK darling, but since I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?”

Says She: “Well, the air bag works…”

The Truck

999The doc told him the Irishman that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn’t do it in his office.

He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he reached a solution: On the way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway and got out and crawled underneath as if he was repairing a fault.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and, with his eyes closed tight  thinking about his lover, he started the action.

As he grew closer to the moment, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the momentum of the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?!”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re at it as your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”