American Football And The Blonde

99999Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best — because it makes American football make sense.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…
‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’
I’m like….Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”

Low-life Cheatin’ Wascally Wepublicans!

9999The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither Mitt Romney nor Obama had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc.,

But someone came up with a week-long ice fishing competition that seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things.

The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election. So it was decided that there would be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately at 6:00 A.M. on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the starting line and he had 10 fish.

A few minutes later, Obama returned and had no fish.

Well, everyone assumed he was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, the democrats got together secretly and said, “I think the Mitt Romney is a low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.

Tomorrow don’t bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.’

The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish).

The democrats got together for the report of how the republicans were cheating. And Obama said, “You are not going to believe this.

That cheating SOB is cutting holes in the ice.”

This Week’s Blonde Jokes…..

A friend told the blonde, “Christmas is on a Friday this year….”
The blonde then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
—————————— ———————————————————
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.
One asked, “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says, “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
—————————————————————————————
A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, “Did you find the shampoo?”
She says, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do…it’s for dry hair, and
I’ve just wet mine.”
—————————————————————————————
A blonde goes to the vet with her gold fish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet!”
—————————————————————————————
A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
————————————————————————————–
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
————————————————————————————–
A blonde’s dog goes missing and she is frantic.
Her husband says, “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” her husband asks.
“Here boy!” she replies.
————————————————————————————–
A blond is in jail. 
A guard looks in her cell and sees her hanging
by her feet.
“What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“It should be around your neck!” says the Guard.
“I know,” she replies, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
————————————————————————————–
(Now this one actually makes sense…lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, “Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde replies, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in
the boat.”
—————————————————————————————

Man vs. Bull…

9999A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls for stud.

The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: “See! That was 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband: “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison… The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: “Sure, but why don’t you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!”

Quick Thinking

9999If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility ……

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.

Jewish Humour

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days — Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man.

The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable? ‘

The man says, ‘I make a good living.’

I just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.

The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands.

If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.

My wife called it the Dead Sea .

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.

That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.

The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ‘

Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’

Doctor: ‘You’ll live to be 60!’

Patient: ‘I AM 60!’

Doctor: ‘See! What did I tell you?’

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.

The man asks, ‘Doc, how do I stand?’

The doctor says, ‘That’s what puzzles me!’

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.

In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A: It’s called, ‘ Debbie Does Dishes.’

Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’

‘Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak.’

The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’

She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’

The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?’

The mother answered, ‘Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, ‘What part is it?’

The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband..’

The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:(Sigh) ‘Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.’

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.’

‘Force yourself,’ she replied.

Q : What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 50% off.

What Are You?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!”

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

 

Why Women Make Better Assassins

9999The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair…..kill her!!!”

The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife”.

The agent said, “then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home”.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to kill him with the chair”