Do I Know It?

99999A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar; stinking of whiskey, cigarettes and stale beer.

His hands shook as he took the “Piano Player Wanted” sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

“I’d like to apply for the job,” he said. “I was a Navy F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in ‘ Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer’s Club happy hours, so here I am.”

The barkeep wasn’t too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. “It’s called ‘Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I’m Going Balls To The Wall For You’ ” he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, “I wrote it myself.”

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, “Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.”

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, “Spread ‘em Baby, It’s Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline”, excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, “Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?”

“Know it ?”, the old fighter pilot replied, “Hell, I wrote it !”

Under The Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.”

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, “Well, the mystery is solved! Let’s thank him for sharing!”

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman’s endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, “I don’t know where y’been laddie… but it’s nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!”

Blonde Meets Blonde

One day a blond was driving down the street. As she was going along she spotted another blond sitting in a row boat out in the middle of a field.

She was so angry she slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car and screamed at the top of her lungs, “You stupid idiot! It’s dumb blonds like you that give smart blonds like me a bad name. I have half a mind to swim out there and kick your butt!”

A Jealous Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs.” said Eve.

The Micky Mouse Divorce

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, “Look here Mickey Mouse, I can’t grant you a divorce from Minnie!”

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, “Why not???”

The Judge said, “I’ve reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can’t find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!”

Mickey Mouse says, “Your Honour! I didn’t say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!”

The Lesbian Blonde Joke

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?’

A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she’s a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man pauses to think, and says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A Cheaper Way

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.”

“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.

“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.”

“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”

“Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”