New York Joke

A woman and her Son were taking a taxi in NYC. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. “Mommy”, said the little boy, “what are all those ladies doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work, she replied.

The cabbie looked around and said, Geeze lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They are Hookers. They have sex with men for money.”

The little boys eyes get wide and he said ” is that true, Mommy?”

His Mother, after glaring at the cabbie, nodded silently.

After a few minutes, the little boy asked, “Mommy, what happens to the babies the ladies have?”

They become cab drivers! She replied.

Random Thoughts

I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
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I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” get’s thrown around in the courtroom.
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I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what’s your plan?

Mother’s Driver’s License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy”, the little girl asks, “How old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age”, the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really”, the mother says, “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her”, the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,’ says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.

It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out??”

“And” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you
And daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks, “Why is that??”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

The First Profession.

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the politician spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But, before that who do you think created all of the chaos?”

I’m fine!

99999A farmer named Paddy had a car accident; he was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot lawyer was questioning Paddy: ‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ he asked.

Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da.. ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘

The lawyer interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the lawyer: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

‘Now wot da fock would you say?’

The Gay Cowboy

99999A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he hadn’t return…..Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her…..

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra…….” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, …………….

“If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

(P.S. – I didn’t see it coming, either!)

Beep, Beep, Beep!

9999A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, “Wow, She’s fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; “I’ll bet her bum is this wide!”

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a “beep, beep, beep.”

The little boy yelled out, “Run for your b****y life, she’s about to reverse!!”