A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply!)
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
A married couple are in bed and the wife says to the husband “would you re-marry if I died.”
The husband replied “I guess, the kids would need a mother and I might be lonely.”
The wife said “would you give her my car?”
The husband said “well, your dead, you don’t need it.”
The wife said “would you give her my jewellery?”
The husband said “I guess, unless you want to be buried with them!”
The wife said “would you give her my golf clubs?”
The husband said “no, she’s not right handed!!!”
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip..”
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice… At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the desk:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body..” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.