Getting Older

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’..

“****************************************************************************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
(I LOVE THIS!)

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Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

This is so true.

I love to hear them say “you don’t look that old.”

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me!

I want people to know why I look this way.

I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper… but it’s even worse when you forget to pull it down!

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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too…

I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?’

To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s just look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)

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(And this final one especially for me,)

“Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . .
it will!

Nine Months Later…

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. and they enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob.

‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did.. .’

‘Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’

Not what you thought, eh?

The Bottle Of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until
she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

‘Good trade…..’

Nurses never laugh

Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional.
In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She just had to run out of the room.

The Store That Sells New Husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘But I want more.’ So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak..

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a new Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have their own money
and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Dearest Newfie Son,

Dearest Newfie Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, but I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt,

Mom

Jet Fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’

Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?’

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’

Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’

Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’

Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’

‘Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Have you farted yet?’

‘No.’

‘Well, DON’T, ‘ cause I’m in Perth.’

99999

 

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