Is It Because I’m Blonde?

99999A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl said.

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Ah, yes, very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”

“No dear, it’s because you’re 24.”

Sod it, let’s offend everyone!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I’ve not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”

I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct answers.

A fat girl took a while to serve me in McDonald’s at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don’t worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”
I said “No, you’re still black.”

Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, “Fat chance with a face like that!”

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What’s wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus,” the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, “I’m gonna take that!”

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You can’t fool me. You’re in that basket up there.”

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question  – which I got wrong.
The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair ?”
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A woman has a medical at the doctors…
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
“I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
“OK. You’re bloody ugly as well.”

That should more or less offend everyone — job done!!!!!!

Do I Know It?

99999A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar; stinking of whiskey, cigarettes and stale beer.

His hands shook as he took the “Piano Player Wanted” sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

“I’d like to apply for the job,” he said. “I was a Navy F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in ‘ Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer’s Club happy hours, so here I am.”

The barkeep wasn’t too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. “It’s called ‘Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I’m Going Balls To The Wall For You’ ” he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, “I wrote it myself.”

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, “Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.”

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, “Spread ‘em Baby, It’s Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline”, excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, “Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?”

“Know it ?”, the old fighter pilot replied, “Hell, I wrote it !”

Under The Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.”

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, “Well, the mystery is solved! Let’s thank him for sharing!”

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman’s endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, “I don’t know where y’been laddie… but it’s nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!”

Blonde Meets Blonde

One day a blond was driving down the street. As she was going along she spotted another blond sitting in a row boat out in the middle of a field.

She was so angry she slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car and screamed at the top of her lungs, “You stupid idiot! It’s dumb blonds like you that give smart blonds like me a bad name. I have half a mind to swim out there and kick your butt!”

A Jealous Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs.” said Eve.

The Micky Mouse Divorce

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, “Look here Mickey Mouse, I can’t grant you a divorce from Minnie!”

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, “Why not???”

The Judge said, “I’ve reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can’t find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!”

Mickey Mouse says, “Your Honour! I didn’t say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!”