Post Tortoises

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Tortoises’.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘Post Tortoise’ was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.”

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

The Best explanation of a politician I’ve ever heard.

Building Permit

Some have asked what I’m going to be doing in retirement.

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighbourhood.

It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me; “Forget it…IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!”

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a ‘Mosque’.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It’s the government that scares the crap out of me.

The Undertaker’s Black Eye

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I had a terrible day.” replied Bob . “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half.”

“I see” said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied: ” Wrong room .”

Syntax

A fantastic anecdote from Sir Robin Mountfield, once Permanent Secretary of the Office of Public Service and Permanent Secretary at the Cabinet Office:

He even claimed to have coined (in his bath) the phrase “joined-up government.”

Shortly before his retirement, in the best traditions of the Civil Service, he launched a personal campaign to improve standards of grammar and punctuation.

In a memo to colleagues, he illustrated how misuse of the apostrophe could lead to serious misunderstandings by quoting a Second World War newspaper headline which read:

“Germans’ Push Bottles Up French Rear.”

As he pointed out: “It could have had a rather different meaning without the vital apostrophe.”

Joey’s Confession

99999‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later
So you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, And his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

Notes Left In Milk Bottles…

Dear milkman:

I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint for the day after today.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole..

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Where To Be

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And more and more I think of the Hereafter . . Several times a day, in fact, I enter a room and think “What am I here after?”