HS2 … New London to Birmingham rail link.

Apparently the Government has now agreed to forge ahead with the new HS2 rail link between London and Birmingham .

This is because it will make it much quicker and easier for families living in London to visit their relations in Birmingham and the North.

The Government has proudly released this artist’s impression of how the new HS2 will look in action.

99999

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

He replied, ”No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive: “There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “New Brunswick.”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in New Brunswick.”

“I know” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

A Dad’s Revenge

99999I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours – green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

“What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ….

“Got drunk once and screwed a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.”