The Very Patient Grandpa…

99999I was walking through the local supermarket the other day when I saw a grandfather walking around with his 2 year old grandson. It was obvious that the grandpa wasn’t having an easy time of it, with the siren-like voice of his cherished youngster scaling upwards every time candy or toys came into view.

The grandfather, however, kept his cool, and intoned softly to the child: “Ron, relax, it won’t take long.”

 When the screaming didn’t stop, the grandpa continued: “Ron, there’s no reason to get angry, try to enjoy this walk and in a minute we’ll be on the way home, promise.”

 When I came out of the store I saw them in the parking lot, the child screaming and the older man still talking softly and quietly to him. I couldn’t help myself. I walked over to him.

 “Sir,” I said, “I have to say you are an amazing grandfather. The way you talk to the boy and keep your calm despite all of this screaming – Ron’s a lucky kid to have a grandpa like you.”

 “Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m Ron. This little bugger’s name is Michael.”

Know Your Audience…

A salesman returns from his assignment to Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.

Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: “Why the long face?”

The salesman replied: “I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure.”

“Why is that?” Asked the friend, “I thought you had a good campaign running.”

 “Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the saudis. But I had a problem – I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:

 First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhustion, he has fainted.

Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.

99999

 I had these posters were pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”

 “Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.

 “The heck it should have!” said the salesman.

 “Only no one told me they read from right to left!!”

Positive Thinking

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you, said one elderly lady!”

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement…

“Well, you must count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully…

“Thank God we can all still drive.”

First Day At School

99999Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

“What’s your name?” asked the teacher.

“Mohammad,” he replied.

“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Frank.”

Mohammad returned home after school.

“How was your day, Mohammad?” his mother asked.

“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Frank. I quite like Frank!”

“Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all of his bruises. “What happened to you, Frank?” she asked.

“Well miss, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f**k’n Arabs.”

Irish Job Interview

99999Murphy applied for a post at a famous Irish brewery based in Dublin 

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the job to the Pole.”

Murphy, “And why would you be doing that?”

“We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager, “Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I’.”

The Helecopter Ride

99999Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, “Barbara, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Barbara always replied,

“I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid,

and seventy quid is seventy quid!”

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, “Barbara, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

To this, Barbara replied, “Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s seventy quid.”

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you never did …. I’m impressed!”

Stewart replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out, but you know … seventy quid is seventy quid!”

Oscar Pistorius Jokes

99999

 

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don’t try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
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She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
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Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
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When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
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Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn’t mean he’s unarmed.

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Surely Oscar Pistorious can’t be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot up the missus while imagining she’s someone else!

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Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

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I think it’s safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won’t be getting his leg over tonight.

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And the Oscar goes to…
Prison.

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Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

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Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
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Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
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Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
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New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!
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Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?
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First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just Don’t Do It.”
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Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called Blade Gunner.
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If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.
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Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
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Oscar Pistorius has said he won’t be entering any further races. I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he’s in prison.
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Well I guess we should count ourselves lucky Oscar Pistorius was competing in the mens’ 400m at the Olympics, and not starting it.