A Taxing Question

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham,  Worcestershire, after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, ‘Do you have anyone dependent on you?’ the man wrote:-

2.1 million illegal immigrants,

1.1 million crackheads,

4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers,

90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,

Plus 649 self serving, lying posers in our Parliament and the entire
European Commission.

The HMRC stated that the information he gave was unacceptable.

The man’s response back to HMRC was, “Sorry, but whom did I miss?”

Tell The Truth!

99999Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ……..very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now …

It Could Have Been Worse…

Two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call.

When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

“No doubt about it,” the new deputy said, “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

“You’re right,” the experienced deputy replied. “But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say, ‘it could have been worse’.”

“No way. You’re on.”

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.

“But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse.”

“Yes, it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he’d come home yesterday, that would’ve been me!”

4 Weddings and a Funeral

99999An 80-year-old lady was being interviewed by a local news station because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. When the interviewer began to ask her questions about her life, why she has decided to get remarried at 80, and for some information about her new husband.

“My husband is a funeral director”, she answered.

“That’s interesting”, the reporter replied.

The reporter was then curious about her previous three husbands and what their professions had been. After a few minutes of reflection, the woman smiled and answered proudly. She explained that in her 20’s she married a banker, in her 40’s a circus ringmaster, a preacher in her 60’s and now, in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The reporter was unsure how to process her answer and then asked why she married four men with such different lives and career choices.

The woman once again smiled and explained, “I married the first for the money, the second for the show, the third to prepare myself, and the fourth to go!”

3 Girls, 3 Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says “since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one”

So the brunette goes first, “I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life, “I just want to go home.” POOF, she is gone.

The redhead makes her wish, “This place sucks, I want to go home too.” POOF, she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

“What is the matter?” Asks the Genie

“I just wish my friends were here.”