New ATM Procedure

A new sign in the Bank reads:

“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

*************************************************************************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

*************************************************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in the back.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release hand brake.

Breaking: Aircraft Hits Four Buildings At Air Show

This is tough to watch. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

99999No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.

Why Men Are Never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People:

What do you expect from such
simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack…

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt
to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt
to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom
because this one is
just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and
think of which way to turn a
nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100.

People never stare
at your chest when
you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or
mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are
over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation
requires only one
suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit
for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets
to invite you,
He or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for
a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough..

You almost never have
strap problems
in public.

You are unable to see
wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face
stays its original color.

The same hairstyle
lasts for years,
even decades.

You only have to
shave your
face and neck.

You can play with toys
all your life.

One wallet and
one pair of shoes —
one color
for all seasons.

You can wear shorts
no matter how
your legs look.

You can ‘do’ your nails
with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a
mustache.

You can do
Christmas shopping
for 25 relatives
On December 24 in
25 minutes.
___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,
they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out,
they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John
will each throw in $20,
even though it’s only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill,
out come the
pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay
$2 for a $1 item
he needs.
A woman will pay
$1 for a $2 item
that she doesn’t need
but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom:
toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items
in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify
more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that
is the beginning
of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting
he will change,
but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won’t change,
but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping,
water the plants,
empty the trash,
answer the phone,
read a book, and
get the mail.
A man will dress up for
weddings and
funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up
as good-looking
as they went to bed.
Women somehow
deteriorate
during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children.

She also knows about
dentist appointments and
romances,
best friends,
favorite foods,
secret fears and
hopes and dreams.

A man is
vaguely aware of
some short people
living in the house.

The Hat

99999An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I bought this hat just yesterday!”

Too Many Oscar Pistorius Jokes, Already

Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……..Jail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder…… Footprints!

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released. Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over here, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes “Just Don’t Do It.”

Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called Blade
Gunner.

And finally:

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

Globalization

Question:
What is the truest definition

of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana’s death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :

An
English Princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend

crashes
in a French tunnel,
riding in a

German
car

with a
Dutch engine,

driven
by a Belgian

who was
drunk

on
Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed
closely by

Italian
Paparazzi,

on
Japanese motorcycles,

treated
by an American doctor,
using

Brazilian
medicines.

This is
sent to you by

a
Canadian,

using

American
Bill Gates’ technology,

and
you’re probably reading
this on your computer,

that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and

a

Korean
monitor,

assembled
by

Bangladeshi
workers

in a
Singapore plant,

transported
by Indian

truck drivers,

hijacked
by Indonesians,

unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,

and

trucked to you by Mexicans who

are in the US illegally

because

the current president,

born in Kenya

and educated as a muslim in Indonesia

refuses to enforce US law.

That, my friends, is Globalization !

The Irish Mortuary

Three bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

“First body,” says the coroner, “Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the smile.”

“Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” he says.

The Police Inspector asked, “So what about this third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why the broad grin, then?” inquires the Inspector.

“He thought he was having his photo taken”.