Guardian Angel

A man is walking down the street and he hears in his head. ‘Stop!
If you take one more step you will die!’

The man stops and a brick lands at his feet.

He keeps walking not watching where he was going and the voice
says again.

‘Stop! If you take one more step you will regret it for the rest of your life!’

The man stops and a lorry comes roaring by almost hitting him.

He thinks to himself, ‘Who is telling me these things?’

The voice answers:

‘You won’t believe this but, I am your Guardian Angel and I am here to protect you.’

The man thinks to himself, ‘Where the Hell were you on my Wedding Day?’

You Ever Cheated On Me?

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her;

‘Becky, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?’

Becky replies, ‘Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?
Forget it honey what was done is gone!’

‘Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please?’

‘Well, all right. Yes, 3 times!’

‘Three? Well, when were they?’ he asked.

‘Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember? Then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?’

‘Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was the second time?’

‘Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?’

‘Then remember how Dr. Thomas came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?’

‘I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife, to do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved.’

‘So, all right then, when was the third time?’

‘Well, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 12 votes short?’

Sam: ‘It was 2 votes short . . .’

An Irresistible Sales Pitch

Cousin Ole Ole, the smoothest-talking Swede in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Ole’s first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole’s sales pitch.

Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, “If you haf da normal GI insurans an’ yoo go to Afghanistan an’ get yourself killed, da governmen’ pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t’irty dollars a mont, den da governmen’ got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!”

“Now,” Ole concluded, “vich bunch of guys you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first ?”

Final Message About My Dog

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:- PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.

YES, HE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING MILLIBAND T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES, NINE TEENAGERS WITH JEANS HANGING PAST THEIR ARSE CRACKS, THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

99999FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE “BAD TASTE” OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

The Irish Answer To The Banking Crisis

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100 and the farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The following day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s dead!’

Paddy replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘ What happened with that dead donkey?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.’

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

Following Instructions

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”

The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…” The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!” The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited.

After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it.

A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.

The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?” The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”

The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE

A Serious Medical Condition

99999A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’

‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ‘

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything for it?’

The woman nodded, ‘Pepper.’