I was walking through the local supermarket the other day when I saw a grandfather walking around with his 2 year old grandson. It was obvious that the grandpa wasn’t having an easy time of it, with the siren-like voice of his cherished youngster scaling upwards every time candy or toys came into view.
The grandfather, however, kept his cool, and intoned softly to the child: “Ron, relax, it won’t take long.”
When the screaming didn’t stop, the grandpa continued: “Ron, there’s no reason to get angry, try to enjoy this walk and in a minute we’ll be on the way home, promise.”
When I came out of the store I saw them in the parking lot, the child screaming and the older man still talking softly and quietly to him. I couldn’t help myself. I walked over to him.
“Sir,” I said, “I have to say you are an amazing grandfather. The way you talk to the boy and keep your calm despite all of this screaming – Ron’s a lucky kid to have a grandpa like you.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m Ron. This little bugger’s name is Michael.”
A salesman returns from his assignment to Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: “Why the long face?”
The salesman replied: “I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure.”
“Why is that?” Asked the friend, “I thought you had a good campaign running.”
“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the saudis. But I had a problem – I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhustion, he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters were pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”
“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.
“The heck it should have!” said the salesman.
“Only no one told me they read from right to left!!”
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you, said one elderly lady!”
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement…
“Well, you must count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully…
“Thank God we can all still drive.”
“What’s your name?” asked the teacher.
“Mohammad,” he replied.
“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Frank.”
Mohammad returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammad?” his mother asked.
“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Frank. I quite like Frank!”
“Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his bruises. “What happened to you, Frank?” she asked.
“Well miss, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f**k’n Arabs.”
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the job to the Pole.”
Murphy, “And why would you be doing that?”
“We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”
Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
Murphy, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
Manager, “Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’
You put down, ‘Neither do I’.”
And every year Stewart would say, “Barbara, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”
Barbara always replied,
“I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid,
and seventy quid is seventy quid!”
One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, “Barbara, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”
To this, Barbara replied, “Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s seventy quid.”
Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word…
When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you never did …. I’m impressed!”
Stewart replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out, but you know … seventy quid is seventy quid!”