On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.One woman, in particular, loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. ‘I’m too young to die,’ she wails. Then she yells, ‘If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

Then HE says : ……….. ‘Iron this. Then get me a beer’.

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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said, ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife said, ‘I don’t know, someone wanting to know if the coast was clear.’

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SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’

The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’ So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

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THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Ax you can imagine, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!

The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

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FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.’

A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’

The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy: W.’

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FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

‘Is it mine?’

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SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
send me a BLIND policeman.’

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I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.

I’m so happy, because I live at number 71 so it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it’s the same side of the street and I don’t even have to cross the road!

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 Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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My wife and I had words,but I didn’t get to use mine.

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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

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The irony of life is that by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not fit to be going anywhere.

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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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A Store That Sells New Husbands

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A CHINESE and an ITALIAN entered a confectionery store.

As they were busy looking, the ITALIAN stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the ITALIAN said to the CHINESE, “Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.”

The CHINESE replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”

So they went to the counter and the CHINESE said to the shopkeeper, “Do you want to see magic?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”

The CHINESE said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The CHINESE asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for a third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”

The CHINESE replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.”

You just CAN’T beat the CHINESE……….

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an  inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy. 

“Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

“That’s disgraceful” said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit.”

 Paddy says, “That’ll be me then.”

The boss calls his secretary & says, “Get ready for the weekend. We are going on a business trip.”

The secretary calls her husband & says, “Me & my boss are going on a business trip for a couple of days so take care of yourself.”

The husband calls his mistress & says. “My wife is going on a business trip come to the house we can have fun.”

The mistress calls her student, “No tuition this weekend.”

The student calls his Grand Father, “Grandpa at last we can spend a weekend together.”

The Grand Father (The boss) calls his secretary & says, “Business trip is canceled. I’m going to spend the weekend with my grandson.”

The secretary calls her husband, “I won’t be going on the trip after all.”

The husband calls his mistress, “I am sorry My wife will not be going now.”

The mistress calls her student, “You do now have tuition.” The student calls his Grand Father and says, “Sorry Grandpa I now have classes.”

The Boss calls his secretary & says, “…….?????.”

Rather confusing, any ideas?