Slipping Away…

99999A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

Outrun A Bear?

The two friends, Mike and Ted are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climbed a tree,
But the bear starts climbing up after them.

Mike gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

Ted: What are you doing ?

Mike: I figure when the bear gets too close, we’ll have to jump down
And make a run for the car.

Ted: Are you crazy ? You can’t outrun a bear.

Mike: I don’t have to outrun the bear I only have to outrun you !!

The Blonde Cop

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks to see her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home, officer.”

The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”. The motorist scuffles around in her purse, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”

The cop says, “Ok Let me see it, then.”

So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, she looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have pulled you over in the first place. You can go now.”

Stimulus Check

Sometime this year, with a bit of luck, we taxpayers will receive an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka …

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea …

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

Dizzy Blonde Joke.

80,000 blonde’s meet in the Kansas City Chief’s Stadium for a Blonde’s Are Not Stupid Convention.

The leader announces, ‘we are all here today to prove to the world that blonde’s are not stupid. Can I please have a volunteer to come and join me?’

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up on to the stage.

The leader asks her, ‘what is 15 plus 15?’

After about 20 seconds she answers, ‘eighteen.’

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 blonde’s start cheering, ‘give her another chance! Give her another chance!’

The leader responds, ‘Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I guess we can give her another chance.’

So he asks, ‘what is 5 plus 5?’

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, ‘ninety.’

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh; everyone is disheartened. The volunteer starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hand’s shouting,

‘GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE.’

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually say’s, ‘Ok! Ok! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?’

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually say’s, ‘four.’

Throughout the stadium pandemonium break’s out as all 80,000 girl’s jump to their feet, wave their arm’s, stomp their feet and scream’

‘GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE.

Is It Because I’m Blonde?

99999A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl said.

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Ah, yes, very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”

“No dear, it’s because you’re 24.”