Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress for the occasion.”

Jewish One-Liners

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea ..

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She bought a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
Because they’re worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us
We won.
Let’s eat.

An old bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that Isn’t 20% off.

Paddy Stories

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, “The plane can only take four of those.”

The two lads object strongly. “Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can’t handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

“Any idea where we are?”

“I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year,” says Mick.

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Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two”!

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Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”

Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

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Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re having sex with your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.

“Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday”!

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Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says, “Oh no, Paddy, what ya doing?”

Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter…..

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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.

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Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?

Paddy replies, – I’ll take her with me

The Inland Revenue.

Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?”

“It is.”

“This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?”

“I’ll try.”

“Do you know Sam Cohen?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?”

“He will!”

The Yorkshire Farmer

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts: “Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite.”

The bloke says: “Sir, I am from Pakistan, can you be speaking clearer, and slower please”

The farmer replies: “If…. you…. use…. two…. hands…. you….
won’t…. spill ….any”

Restroom Stall

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to a cubicle.

99999“Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
“Doin’ just fine!”

And the other person says:
“So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
“Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!” ??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them:
“No..I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear the person say nervously…
“Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

99998Cell phones, don’t you just love ’em !