Driving In Heaven

Three guys died and got to the pearly gates.

St Peter met them and said, “before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is soo big”.

St Peter asks the first guy, “How long were you married?” He replies, “24 years”.

“Did you ever cheat on your wife?” asks St Peter.

The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times.”

Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Toyota to drive.”

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her 3 times.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that; here’s your Honda.”

The third guy walked up and said, ” Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Mercedes!”

A little while later, the two guys with the Toyota and the Honda saw the guy with the Mercedes crying on the golden pavement, so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Mercedes what was wrong, he said,

“I just saw my wife; she was in a Proton!”

Different Ways Of Looking At Things.

Two Guys Talking

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values. 

Bill said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?”

Larry replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”

The father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.”

A Fair Award

“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the Divorce Court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

Doctor’s Verdict

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room took the husband aside and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither, Doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

ETA

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New   York City ?”

The agent replies, “Just a minute.”

“Thank you,” the blonde says and hangs up.

The Blind Man

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat; not an unusual habit on a hot day.

About a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. “The blind man,” a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. 

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, “Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?”

It’s a poor field in the Under-a-Bus Stakes

After a disgracefully extended period of abstinence, the Conservative appetite for its sport of choice returns. The ancient Tory game of What if the Guv’nor Fell Under a Bus? is back, and hallelujah for that. It’s been too long since the grind of politics was leavened by speculation about the identity of the next Tory chieftain.

No leader since Mrs Thatcher has enjoyed a period of calm like it. Yet all things must end, and after another lively week for Mr Cameron, what with double-dip recessions and double Murdoch on the rocks, ended it has.

While the mutterings about his performance grow louder, in one area if no other his run of luck endures. “Better to be lucky than good” runs an old poker maxim, and so it is with the PM. One by one the potential successors rise, and one by one they fall. Take Jeremy Hunt. This beamish boy looked a clear favourite a year ago when he reversed his self-proclaimed intention to refer News Corporation’s bid for BSkyB to Ofcom, but what struck him as a strategic masterstroke then looks otherwise today. Jeremy can run, as viewers of TV bulletins learned this week from footage of him sweatily trotting home from morning exercise.

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I see a familiar look of fear on the faces of David Cameron’s ministers

How do the public know what they know about Rupert Murdoch? Through the media. Which means that pretty much everything they know about him comes from his opponents or his friends. There is no middle ground. The media are either against him or they belong to him, in which case (though for how much longer?) they are for him.

This rule applies, obviously, to all newspapers – The Daily Telegraph, for instance, is a rival to the Murdoch papers at the higher end of the market. Rather less obvious, but even more important, is the role of the BBC. Mr Murdoch is generally presented as a monopolist. In the case of newspapers, this is near the truth. But in the case of television, he is the opposite.

The Murdoch bid for control of BSkyB absolutely terrified and enraged the BBC. The failure of that bid last year, caused by the phone-hacking scandal, was a triumph for the BBC’s monopoly. People are understandably excited about whether Jeremy Hunt unfairly favoured the bid because the Tories wanted Mr Murdoch on side. They ought also to worry that both political parties are so scared of the BBC that they always renew its Charter and increase its licence fee. In my own conversations with Mr Hunt and other leading Conservatives about the iniquity of

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David Cameron opens way for inquiry into Jeremy Hunt over BSkyB bid

David Cameron’s spokesman opened the way for a Whitehall inquiry into Mr Hunt’s conduct today and said: “If there is anything that suggests there has been a breach of the code the Prime Minister would of course act.”

The statement is the first acknowledgement from Mr Cameron that Mr Hunt’s future is in doubt.

It appears to increase the likelihood of a formal inquiry into whether he breached the ministerial code while he was considering whether Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation would be allowed to take full control of BSkyB, the broadcaster. Ultimately an inquiry into his ministerial conduct could order his removal from office.

The inquiry, which can only be ordered by the Prime Minister, had been ruled out until now but the statement appears to allow that position to change and comes after it was disclosed that Lord Justice Leveson would not rule on whether Mr Hunt breached the code.

Sources said that Lord Leveson, who is carrying out a public inquiry into media standards, “does not consider himself to be the arbiter of the code”.

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David Cameron’s problem is that he only takes advice from his Notting Hill mates

Everyone has a theory on Dave’s disastrous month: he’s out of touch, too Left wing, needs more political staff, or a better party chairman. George Osborne is useless. The Coalition makes communication harder… the list seems endless. They’re all plausible excuses, but something about them just doesn’t add up. The root of the problem must run deeper.

Talking to MPs and party activists, the same theme emerges again and again: Mr Cameron is too to slow trust outsiders, and too quick to trust his clique.

Take my story about the possible appointment of Matthew Elliott last week, for example. My sources were confident the appointment was going through. How couldn’t it? He and No 10 had been in discussion for months. Apparently, Mr Elliott knew who he was going to work with and where he was going to sit, but for some reason the contract never quite arrived.

Conservative Home’s Tim Montgomerie has suggested that the Lib Dems vetoed the decision. Others have said it was never seriously on the cards – despite their lengthy discussions. I don’t believe either story.

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For Ed Miliband, it’s the phone hacking, stupid – but should he be focusing on the economy?

When you walk into Ed Miliband’s generous but slightly colourless Portcullis House office, the first thing that catches your eye is a big sign posted on the far wall – “It’s phone hacking, stupid.” The message is stolen from Bill Clinton’s famous 1992 slogan, which was used to drum home the importance of the economy to his youthful campaign team. Clinton’s message helped him win big. Ed is confident his message will help him win big as well.

Actually, forget all that. There is no such sign on Miliband’s office wall. I made the whole thing up. At least there wasn’t the last time I managed to sneak in there, which was almost a year ago. Though, given it was a press party, and I ended the evening in a Soho karaoke bar wearing a pink wig and belting out the closing number from Le Cage aux Folles, he could have had a life size picture of Dita von Teese plastered across his wall and I still wouldn’t have remembered.

But that phone-hacking sign would make a nice addition. Seriously, I just don’t get Ed Miliband. More to the point, I just don’t get Labour’s current political strategy.

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Hundreds evacuated as man takes hostages in office and threatens to blow himself up

Tube stations were closed, businesses evacuated and the capital’s busiest shopping street shut as armed police laid siege to the central London office just weeks before the Olympics take place.

The suspect, thought to bbe enraged after failing a HGV training course, was removed from Shropshire House in Tottenham Court Road by police officers who then began searching the building.

The Metropolitan Police said: “We have arrested a man at Tottenham Court Road. A search of the building is under way.

“We are not aware of any hostages at this stage. Search of the building continues on Tottenham Court Road.”

The central London street was closed after police received emergency calls at midday.

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