Methodology

1. Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine and The NRA Membership Directory and Soldier of Fortune – the “Bible” for mercenaries.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

“Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour or less.
Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter.”

(I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me,)