The Blonde And The Cow

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,

‘This is the one right here.’ The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, ‘Tell me lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,’ she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell, is the nail for?’

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, ‘I guess it’s to hang your pants on.’

(It’s nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

 

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Osborne has nothing to learn from America

So what exactly was George Osborne doing in Washington? I only repeat the question which was asked a number of times last week because it has become apparent that the contents of The Most Important Budget in Living Memory had not been agreed before the Chancellor left for his three-day city break with the Prime Minister.

George was largely invisible, as he is most of the time at home, while David Cameron and Barack Obama were professing their undying love, to the mystification and faint nausea of the US and British media. (As an email from an American friend put it succinctly, “Yuk.”) But presumably he was occupying himself in some useful way. We must assume, since he seems to have attended no basketball games, that he spent his time discussing matters relevant to the cacophonous arguments about tax plans which were bouncing off of every wall in Westminster in his absence.

I do hope he is not under the impression that he can learn a lot from the American economic experience that is directly applicable to his own domestic problems. But knowing what a star-struck fan of Washington politics he is, I fear the worst. He might even have been convinced, by the self-deluding Obama spin operation, of what British Keynesian revivalists have been trying to persuade him: that the American economy is recovering as a direct result of the federal spending projects that the White House “stimulus programme” initiated.

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The Coalition’s finest hour may be in that little red box – Telegraph

‘It’s like a Rubik’s Cube,” says a senior source. “On top of all the other tricky stuff, the yellow bricks have to match up with the blue bricks.” The drafting of budgets is, by definition, a fiendishly complex matter: a fiscal, political and intellectual conundrum to which only the finest minds are equal. Add to that the challenge of being Chancellor in a Coalition government, and you can see why the prelude to George Osborne’s speech on Wednesday has spawned so many stories, leaks and counter-leaks.

Last week, he was in Washington with the Prime Minister, having settled the essentials of the Budget on Monday. Although coverage of Cameron’s meeting with the President naturally focused upon foreign policy (Afghanistan and Iran), there was plenty of discussion about the oil price, and economic sanctions against Tehran – which are handled by Osborne and Tim Geithner, his US opposite number. Meanwhile, the final Budget documents were presented to the Office for Budget Responsibility comfortably before Friday’s deadline.

That said, I cannot recall a recent political saga that has been so variously described by different sources. I am reminded of Kurosawa’s classic Rashomon, in which four eyewitnesses describe a heinous crime in radically different ways. Depending on whom you speak to, it was the Tories who were pressing for a cut in the 50p rate; or the Lib Dems, seeking a package of goodies in return. Cameron wouldn’t have it. Clegg wouldn’t have it. Osborne wouldn’t have it. Osborne insisted… and so on. If rumour were taxed, the Treasury coffers would be full to bursting this weekend.

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Inquiry as Ken Livingstone saves thousands in tax bills

Mr Livingstone, who has called tax avoiders “rich b******s” who should “not be allowed to vote,” has struggled to fend off charges of hypocrisy after The Sunday Telegraph revealed that he has avoided at least £50,000 in tax by channelling his earnings through a personal company, Silveta Ltd and paying corporation tax at 20 or 21 per cent rather than income tax at up to 50 per cent.

Last week, Mr Livingstone justified the arrangement, saying he used the money he saved to employ a press officer and economic adviser for his election campaign. He told LBC radio’s Nick Ferrari: “[Journalists] are saying that I could have paid £50,000 more tax. I could. Or I could use it, as I have done, to employ two people.” He said the employees were “a good economist who worked out how we can cut fares and a woman to handle my media”. On BBC London’s Vanessa Feltz show, he described their employment as a company expense that had been set against tax. On BBC Radio 5 Live’s Pienaar’s Politics show, he said that he had used company money “to pay for people to work on the campaign for mayor.”

In the last quarter of 2011, according to Electoral Commission records, Mr Livingstone declared a “non-ca

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Duchess of Cambridge presents St Patrick’s Day shamrock to Irish Guards

She travelled to their barracks to meet officers and soldiers of the 1st Battalion of the regiment, of which her husband is honorary colonel.

As the Duchess arrived at the Mons Barracks in Aldershot, Hants, yesterday, home to the 1st Battalion Irish Guards, three soldiers fainted under the weight of their Bearskins.

Stretchers were brought out before the men were helped to their feet and staggered off the parade square.

The Duchess, who was greeted by the former Commanding Officer, Major General William Cubbitt, appeared not to notice the commotion as she took her place on the dais and began the St Patrick’s Day parade, presenting the traditional sprigs of shamrock to the Irish Guards.

The royal tradition dates back to 1901 when Queen Alexandra asked for shamrocks to be presented to the newly-formed regiment.

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George Osborne to announce changes to Sunday shopping hours

The Chancellor’s speech on Wednesday will outline moves to lift restrictions on Sunday opening hours for two months this summer, with plans for a permanent relaxation if the policy is considered a success.

The Budget is also expected to signal the end of the 50p income tax rate and unveil a clutch of other business-friendly moves, including new loans for young entrepreneurs and a further cut in corporation tax.

The emphasis on boosting enterprise was detailed as Liam Fox, the former defence secretary, called for the Budget to be used to launch an attack on what he said was a “corrosive anti-business culture” in a Sunday Telegraph article. He called for an end to the 50p rate.

The eight-week suspension of Sunday trading restrictions, which will begin on July 22 and is designed to coincide with the Olympics, threatens to put the Chancellor on a collision course with trade unions, small businesses, the Church and other family-friendly groups who have campaigned to “keep Sunday special”.

Supermarkets, high-street stores and most other shops with floor space of more than 3,000 square feet can only open for six hours on a Sunday. Small shops are not restricted.

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NHS pays £20,000 a week for a doctor

In some cases the amounts being paid would be the equivalent to a doctor earning an annual salary of almost £1 million.

And some doctors were rewarded not just for the hours they worked, but for all the time they were on call – including when they were sleeping.

Our investigation discloses how hundreds of millions of pounds have been spent on agency doctors so that hospitals can comply with the European Working Time Directive, which limits the number of hours medics can work, and found that:

-80 per cent of hospital trusts which provided figures admitted spending more than £1,000 per shift on medical cover;

-Hospitals spent more than £2 billion on temporary clinical staff in the two years since the rules came in, a sum which could have paid the wages of 48,000 nurses or 33,000 junior doctors over the period;

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