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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
The nice thing about being senile is: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind, Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ‘ For fast relief.’
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do.
And The eyesight to tell the difference.
I owe Ed Miliband an apology. No, that’s too strong. Let me start again. I may have to owe Ed Miliband an apology if – as reported in a number of today’s newspapers – George Osborne follows through with plans to axe the 50p tax rate.
Over the past few months I could have given the impression Labour’s leader is a busted flush. A no-hoper. I think yesterday I described him as a cautionary tale.
Well, what do I know. Because if the chancellor bows to pressure from small but vocal elements on his backbenches and cuts tax for the richest one per cent then Ed Miliband genuinely is in with a shout of being the next Prime Minister.
When I saw the initial news reports last night I thought they were a spoof. Then I thought they may have been the product of some good old-fashioned political scaremongering from Labour’s treasury team. Finally, having read the reports in more detail, I came to the conclusion they must have been the result of some last-minute political positioning from the Lib Dems. To what end, I struggled to fathom. But Vince Cable is Vince Cable after all.
What should the Budget deliver: low taxes or fiscal conservatism? Many on the Right of politics are demanding that this Budget begins the low tax revolution. Small businesses and entrepreneurs are campaigning for the abolition of the 50p rate. Writing this week, Benedict Brogan said that some words of John Redwood should be the new Tory mantra: “I don’t think we should be looking for more ways of taxing people.” The idea seems to be that the deficit dragon has been slain and the Chancellor can move on. If only that were true.
The Chancellor’s brave spending decisions in 2010, in the teeth of the fiercest opposition, certainly gained the confidence of the markets. So far in this Parliament, the credit ratings of Greece, Portugal, France, Spain and even the USA have been downgraded, but not that of the UK.
But his self-appointed task has barely begun. Of his planned spending cuts, only one pound in twenty has actually been implemented. And of greatest concern, his determination to stay the course is now in question.
Not that he will mind in the slightest, but Stephen Stubbs has just blown his chance of national fame. He was being followed by a television crew documenting how hard it is to find work, especially for a partially sighted 47-year-old living in Darlington. Mr Stubbs’s story was both inspiring and heartbreaking: he refused to accept a life of welfare dependency and applied for 2,000 jobs. Two months ago, he was enrolled in the Government’s controversial work programme and might have lost his benefits had the system failed him. But something went badly right: he found a job.
The television crew, who might have expected to follow a broken man through the bowels of a recession, instead ended up filming a new worker cheerily shopping for ties. The idea of a 4pm-2am shift working for the Student Loans Company might dismay many of us, but Mr Stubbs spoke as if he’d won the lottery. “If I can do it, anyone can,” he told Channel 4’s cameras. He exaggerates only slightly. Yesterday, the Government revealed the results of its massive assessment of 133,000 people on incapacity benefit: over a third of them were found to be ready for work.
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, is stepping down. He was the best of men, the most thoughtful of prelates, and few in the Church today can match him for intellectual force. Yet I know I’m not alone in thinking that his ten years as the head of the Anglican Communion have proved a disappointment.
The man who shone in academia and whose pastoral care was exemplary felt uneasy in the world of politics – both clerical and secular. He felt uncomfortable among the bickering factions of his own Church, and deeply saddened by the hatred sparked by such issues as the ordination of women bishops and gay priests. His distaste for politicking made him squander time (and goodwill) in inactivity: he refused to join the fray, and often took a long time to speak out on issues central to the Church, such as, most recently, gay marriage. Too often this left the Church of England looking and feeling rudderless.
The chief executive of Royal Boskalis Westminster said today that recovering the ship was “an operation without precedent”.
Peter Berdowski, chief executive, said: “You’re not talking about an operation of a few dozen millions but something that goes far beyond €100 million.
“This is an operation without precedent. You have to imagine a big fat whale the size of a block of flats lying on its side, accidentally supported by two rocks.”
He said Boskalis has put forward a “responsible and careful way” to refloat the cruise liner.
The Costa Concordia has lain off the coast of the Italian island of Giglio since January after running aground on rocks and partially sinking in an accident.
“The Syrian people should determine who will lead their country and so the opinion of some of our foreign partners will hardly foster a solution,” Mikhail Bogdanov, a deputy foreign minister, told a news conference.
He said declarations from other countries about Assad’s illegitimacy and calls for him to step down “are counterproductive because they send the opposition a false signal that there is no sense in entering dialogue”.
The United States and other Western and Arab countries have said that Assad’s use of violence against his own people shows he is no longer fit to rule.
Russia, which has a naval base in Syria and is Damascus’s top seller of arms, has vetoed two U.N. Security Council resolutions aimed at isolating the leader and has urged dialogue between the government and the opposition.
Mr Bogdanov criticised nations that have closed embassies or cut diplomatic ties with Syria, saying the authorities are one of the sides in the conflict and “maintaining links and contacts with them is an absolutely necessary condition” for seeking a solution.
The 38-year-old father-of-two, from the Joint Base Lewis-McChord base in Washington, had been drinking with two other soldiers before wandering 500 yards from his base in Kandahar province, southern Afghanistan, and gunning down 16 villagers, the official said.
The soldier was suffering from stress over a fourth deployment and was under pressure from his wife, it was claimed. His lawyer John Henry Browne said he had been reluctant to return to the frontline.
He said soldiers in the suspect’s camp had been very upset that somebody in their unit had their leg blown off the day before the rampage.
Browne said his client is highly decorated, had twice been injured during tours in Iraq and was reluctant to leave on his fourth deployment. But he denied reports suggesting that the soldier had alcohol or marital problems.
Questions were raised earlier this week about the staff sergeant’s mental stability after it emerged that he was suffering from a head trauma from a roadside bomb in Iraq and another injury to his leg, where surgeons had to remove part of his foot.