Noah’s Ark

AND it came to pass in the year 2012, that verily, the Lord came Unto Noah, (who was now living in Ballymoney, Northern Ireland), and said,

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see all manner of evils, terrorists in government, and the end of all flesh before me. Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good Free Presbyterians.”

And lo he gave Noah the CAD Drawings, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending Rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain!  Where is the Ark?” 

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.

“I needed Building Control Approval and I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

“My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden, because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Planning Appeals Commission for a decision.

“Once Seymour Sweeney saw what I was up to, he submitted alternative plans with the backing of the local MP, and you have no idea how hard it was convincing Mr Paisley that you were actually on my side.

“Then the Department of the Environment demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.

“I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

“Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the Owls – but no go! 

“And in July I had to pay off racketeers as insurance against the local kids taking the wood for The Eleventh Night bonfire.

“When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. They said if he spotted me with any pit bulls, I would never see the Ark float.

“Nor was I aware that marching the animals on to the Ark two by two constituted a parade, so I had to apply to the Parades Commission for permission. They just couldn’t get their heads round the fact that the end of the world is nigh, and that telling people it was could may be even have a positive effect on community relations.

“Then the Borough Council, the DoE and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an Environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with             Ark-building experience.

“Then Harland & Wolff stepped in, and said the project hadn’t been subject to normal tendering practices, as they hadn’t been allowed to present a business plan, so the whole thing went to judicial review. 

“It didn’t help that the judge’s Grandfather had worked on the Titanic and thought I was taking the piss.

“To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

“After several neighbours accused me of being ‘on drugs’, the Assets Recovery Agency took some persuading that I had managed to put this project together without any visible means of income after I said I was relying on divine intervention.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and said, “You mean you’re not going to Destroy Northern Ireland?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Assembly beat me to it!”

Ed Miliband: David Cameron has ‘sold Britain down the river’ in Europe

Last month the Prime Minister vetoed a new European treaty for greater fiscal intergration between eurozone countries saying there were not enough safeguards for the City.

Yesterday the treaty was signed without Britain.

Mr Miliband said: “I’m very concerned about what David Cameron has done. He trumpeted last December that he had got a great deal for Britain and protected us.

“And the way Europe was going to go about thisTreaty wasn’t going to affect Britain. Now he has sold us down the river on a lot of things.

“I am going to ask him what exactly has he agreed, what protections has he got for Britain. I take the simple view: he would have been better off staying at the table and negotiating for Britain rather than pretend he had made progress but failing to do so.”

Read more….

Russia says West’s UN effort over Syria ‘path to civil war’

The text calls for President Bashar al-Assad to hand power to his deputy.

It also stresses there will be no foreign military intervention in a conflict that the United Nations says has killed more than 5,400 people in the past 10 months.

It demands that “the Syrian government immediately puts an end to all human rights violations and attacks against those exercising their rights to freedom of expression, peaceful assembly and association”.

Deputy Foreign Minister Gennady Gatilov underscored Moscow’s opposition to the draft, but he stopped short of an explicit threat to block it with a veto.

“The Western draft Security Council resolution on Syria will not lead to a search for compromise,” Interfax quoted Gatilov as saying. “Pushing it is a path to civil war.”

Read more….

Falkland Islands: Royal Navy packs considerable punch, warns William Hague

The Navy’s most sophisticated warship is being sent to the South Atlantic in a move that will send a powerful message to Argentina.

Dauntless will set sail for the Falkland Islands in the coming weeks armed with a battery of missiles that could “take out all of South America’s fighter aircraft let alone Argentina’s,” according to one Navy source.

Although Mr Hague played down the deployment he said the ship was a “formidable vessel”.

The Type 45 destroyer is the most advanced anti-aircraft and anti-ballistic ship in the world equipped with 48 Sea Viper missiles and the Sampson radar, which is more advanced than Heathrow air traffic control

The ship is in a league of its own in air defence able to track dozens of multiple targets.

Read more….

Porcelain Unicorn

Can a three minute film really be compelling and tell a complete story?

British film director Sir Ridley Scott launched a global film-making contest for aspiring directors. It’s titled, “Tell It Your Way.” There were over 600 entries.

The film could be no longer than three minutes, contain only six lines of narrative and be a compelling story.

The winner was “Porcelain Unicorn” from American director Keegan Wilcox. It’s a story of the lifetimes of two people who are totally opposite, yet, very much the same – all told in less than 3 minutes. 

Married At 85

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned  that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock’ on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to  sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger. Again he is ready for more ‘action’.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger Is back  again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’.

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less  than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great  lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old as it has its compensations.

Misunderstood Male

Q: What’s the best way to kill a man?

A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack before him – then tell him to pick only one.

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:….

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need… A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to ‘instruction manuals’

A Blond Guy Joke

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

‘What’s up?’ he says.

‘I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: ‘Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!’

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
‘You rotten bastard,’ says the husband, ‘my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!’